Being grateful

I used to envy others for their life.  I always compared myself with the others, on how they are doing so much better than me while I am still stuck in a rut.  So much so that my good friend told me to pull myself together and that some people are good at showing what's good but not what's bad about them that I don't know about those bad things.  Which is true, but I am so used, probably conditioned by my upbringing that I compared excessively. 

When in school and college, I compared my results with my peers.  When at work, I compared my position, my financials, my relationship status, my everything with my peers.

~ How come they can buy a big car while I can't when we used to study together and start work together?

~ How come I don't have a boyfriend when it's so easy for others to find one? (back when I was single)

~ How come I can't have a baby when so many undeserving people are popping babies every minute? (when I was TTC-ing)

~ How come they are so rich?

With all these envy, also came the analyses.  

~ Oh, I am not rich like them because their parents are rich businessman.  I don't have rich parents.

~ I suck at work while others progress so fast in their work.

~ I am ugly so no one likes me.

~ I am not a good person that God doesn't want to give me a baby.  (during those TTC times).

Then not to forget, the how many times "Why Me?" question has been asked by me to God.  

Then after having a baby, I looked at life differently.  One day, I asked myself.  Am I happy now?  When I was single, I used to pray everyday to get a good match.  And I got myself a husband though  I won't say he is the best of the best in the whole wide world.  When I was struggling with TTC, I prayed every month that my period won't come.  And then I got pregnant after 2 years of struggling.

So, I have reached a point, that I got what I want.  A job that pays.  A car that can bring me about.  A roof over my head.  A tenant for my apartment.  A husband that cares.  A baby.  Am I happy and satisfied now?

Unfortunately, I was still comparing my life with my peers.  How do I get to where they are getting?  OK, so I got what I want but I want more.  How about improving in the finance dept?  How about changing a better and bigger car?  How about so many things that others have while I don't?

"Where do I stop?", I asked.  Until one day, I read of the unfortunate circumstances in others that I have envied.  I stopped and took a very good look at my own life.  I really did.  And I realised, I am so grateful to God and grateful for all the things that I have right now.  Sincerely.

Since having a baby, everyday I am worried.  As it is, I worried a lot.  So having a baby added to more worries.

Questions like:

~ Is she breathing? (when she is sleeping)

~ Will she grow up normally? 

~ Will she be healthy?

The list goes on.  You think that once you have a baby, then that's when your heart settles, you are so wrong.  You worried if you will have a normal pregnancy or a premature ones.  You worried if you have gestational diabetes.  You worried if you will have Down Syndrome baby.  You worried if you will have preeclampsia.  You worried until the day you give birth.

And the moment you see your baby is normal and your life is slowly back to normal and you learned that you have survived childbirth.  Stop there and be grateful.  Because there are some women who didn't make it due to post-partum complications that took the life of the mother, leaving the baby alone without a mother.  Because there are some women who lose their baby as their baby came out stillborn.  

As baby hits 1 month, 2 months and so on,  you worried if vaccinations will really give her autism.  You worried if baby is growing normally.  You worried if baby is healthy.  

And the moment you checked with the paeditrician during baby's monthly checkup and found that baby is growing perfectly well, just stop there and be grateful.  Because there are some babies who are suffering cancer despite their young life.  Because there are some babies who died of SID and mothers have no idea how it happened.

When baby hit 1 year old, you worried if baby is walking, developmental progressing well, eating properly, talking, etc.

And the moment you saw her walking and running towards you, stop there and be grateful.  There are babies who have developmental problems due to many issues.

So you think when your baby became an infant and then a toddler, that the moment when your child starts talking and you will think, oh I have a normal child.  

But stop there and be grateful.  For every step of the way.  Enjoy every single moment.  Enjoy every developmental progress. 

So, I stopped comparing.  I am happy with my life.  I may not be the best mom, but I am happy I am a mom.  I enjoyed all the first in everything and I get super excited doing all the first things with baby.  Like her first trip.  Her first flight (soon).  Her first passport.  Her first food.  Her first drink.  Her first everything.  

Stop and be grateful because you never know what's in the future.  Appreciate everything.  Yes, it is tiring and sleep deprivation is nothing to complain about.  But just be grateful for the little things in life.  Don't complain so much.  That's my New Year's resolution.