Learning to be a good mom

Unlike any other profession, a mother is a role that is given upon birth of a child.  There is no certificate, diploma, degree, master or PHD for this profession.  The most education a mother-to-be received is when she attends a breastfeeding class or a prenatal class.  That also is teaching about how to care for a newborn and nothing much about toddler, teenager, etc.

A mother's job is a thankless job.  I am still trying to learn the skills to be a good one.  How?  I learned not to do something from friends who already been through it.  

Breastfeeding

Since I know breast milk is the best milk for babies, from pregnancy itself, I vowed to breastfeed.  Of course that time I didn't know the difficulty of it.  I tried to read as much as I can, but theory is nothing compared to practical.  

I am glad I managed to breastfeed until almost 2.5 years old.  Although it was challenging, the rewards we received were much more.  During the newborn stage to maybe about a year old, my girl hardly fall sick.  I linked it to breast milk as I heard from friends who didn't breast feed, that their child is prone to flu, cough, cold, etc.  

My girl is also not hyper unlike friends who had kids on formula the whole time were hyperactive, short attention span and unable to sit still.  I am so thankful that my girl is not like that and I linked it to breast milk.

So, I am proud of myself to be able to breastfeed.  I have heard from friends that some can't breastfeed their first, some can't find time to pump, etc, etc. I am just glad I managed to feed her breast milk for almost 2.5 years despite working full time.  I am glad that my company was supportive of breastfeeding and got a room for us for this purpose only.  I am grateful that wherever I went, I managed to find time and place to pump.  

From the beginning, I didn't think laziness was an option for a mother.  I didn't give birth thinking everything would be easy.  I didn't have helpers but only my parents.  Despite being full-time working, I didn't find the excuse that working makes me unable to pump.  I was quite amazed at my attitude when it comes to pumping, because I am a person who loves to procrastinate.  But when it comes to pumping, I was quite on time.  

In my head, all I was thinking was just that I want to give the best milk for her, to give her the immunity that she needed, to provide her to best protection from birth, which none of the milk can do.

Because I didn't know then that if a child below 3 months old is sick, there is no medication to be given. I guess the medication is too much for the little child?  Even antibiotics the paeds doesn't give freely until they confirmed it is bacteria.  The paeds advise was to continue to breastfeed because all the immunity is in there.

So, I apologised if I cannot understand when a mom tells me, 'I can't breastfeed because I have no time' or 'I don't have milk so I gave up', or 'I am lazy so I don't want to breastfeed' or 'I can't, because my body is weak'.  

Smoking and drinking

I am neither a smoker nor a drinker.  Even coffee I can't drink.  None of my family members are smokers or drinkers.  And I am thankful for that.  So, I apologised if I cannot understand why a woman who has been trying hard to get pregnant and finally have one successful pregnancy after a miscarriage, would smoke throughout the pregnancy and causing her child to have permanent side effects from smoking.  

Sorry, I cannot understand the addiction to smoking or drinking or coffee. I just can't.  I know of a woman who gave up smoking the moment the pregnancy test shows positive.  And yet there are some who can't quit despite wanting a baby so much.

Disciplining

Sometimes I punished her and sometimes I scolded her loudly.  Some may disagree with me and some may think I am a tiger mom.  I am trying my best not to whack her so much.  Also trying my best not to raise my voice.  Also trying my best not to scare her or use scare tactics like many Chinese moms like to do.

Few days back, I was waiting for my car to be service.  A boy of 4 years old wanting to go to the indoor play area, which was just beside where I was sitting.  I was on my phone, watching K-drama.  His mom desperately prying him away to go back.  But he refused and kept running back.  So, the mom used the famous sentence, "You see the aunty scold u already.  You better go with us now.  Aunty scold already."  There was no other aunty or woman beside me.  So I assumed she was talking about me.  Although I was quite cool about it and pretended not to hear, but inside I was quite offended and it's not because she called me aunty.

First of, I didn't tell her son that I was angry with him for playing there.  Second, the mother is telling the son a lie.  

But sometimes I do the same to my girl, tricking her there's spider somewhere so that she quickly come out or say someone will catch her if she run away from me.  I think we instill too much fear in our kids, making them incapable of making big decisions and fearful all the time.

I won't point my finger directly at that person and say this person is angry at you.  Neither would I say so loudly until the others can hear.  

Mess

I would also tell my girl to pick up her mess.  Of course she would try to get away from it by telling me she has forgotten or she doesn't know how, but I don't really care.  Tell her to pack her toys after playing, to put back her shoes when back in the house, to put away all the books that she scattered all over the floor.  No one will pick up after her.  Of course, I helped her a bit but I tell her it's her duty.

Activities together

I like to encourage my girl to join whatever activities I am doing, say singing together, meditating together, eating together.  I don't like to give my girl a gadget to distract her while we are all meditating or when the adults are talking or when we are eating.  I like to involve her as much as possible.  So she joins us for our weekly meditation meetings, our daily footsoaking and meditation sessions, sings when we sang and join whatever activity we are doing.  Some may disagree, saying it's too adult for her.  But I don't think it's harmful to let her experience everything.

When I cooked, she likes to watch and join as well, so as long as it is safe distance, I showed her the fish that I am washing or the vegetables that I am cutting.  I let her use a child-friendly scissors to learn to cut paper.  And she watches us to see what we are doing.  And very attentive and follow suit.  And I enjoyed it very much doing the activities with her.  She is quite hands-on, learning very fast.

I tried not to tell her, no, can't do this, can't do that, but sometimes we can't help it.  I read somewhere that if we keep on saying no, then the child won't do anything the next time we tell them to do.  So, I tried to let them do although it can be messy.

So, I do apologise if I cannot understand why some kids are so restless and can't sit still quietly unless there is a gadget to distract them.  

Conclusion

I start my girl young.  I read somewhere that between age 2-6 is the best years for a kid to absorb and learn.  I let her sit on the car seat from birth although she totally dislike it in the beginning and would cry all the way home, especially when she is tired and no one sits next to her and I drives alone.  Now she doesn't make noise at all because she knew sitting on the car seat means she is going out somewhere.  Happily obliging.

I don't compare her to anyone.  She would tell herself that she is beautiful and that mommy is beautiful too.  I like to give her that confidence that she is good enough being herself.  No need to compare to others to see who is better.  When I told my friend that my girl is 'vain', looking into the mirror and telling herself she is beautiful, my friend's response was, 'Do you tell her that mommy is more beautiful and then she feel jealous and said no, I am more beautiful?'  No, I don't compare her with anyone.  She is beautiful on her own and there is no need to make her feel jealous whatsoever.  I don't like to encourage that kind of feeling in her, that feeling of envy and jealous of others.  

When I was carrying a small baby of my cousin's, I thought my girl would be jealous as I have seen other kids.  But instead, she whispers in my ear and told me that she wants to carry the baby too.  

Every night before bed, I kissed her good night and whispered, 'I love you' into her ears.  She does the same when she sleeps with her grandma or grandfather.  I tried not to use words like, 'I don't love you anymore' or 'I love this person more than you'.  I would like to give her that security that she is very much loved.

Whenever she said, 'Mommy, I can't do it.', I would tell her she can do it.  

I don't force her to learn the alphabets or numbers or make her memorise sight words.  But I let her read her books on her own (she makes up stories and mumble and jumble that only she understands) and let her draw and write whatever she likes on the recycled papers.

At the playground, I let her run around and doesn't follow her up and down the slides.  But I keep my attention on her the whole time.

I tell her to share her food and she would feed me some of her food sometimes.  She would also feed her cousin, her grandma, her grandpa, her dad, her aunt, her uncle.  

Sometimes when she fell down and cried, I would hold her and massage her and then asked, 'Better now?'  And now she uses the same phrase with us when we are in pain.

But I am still learning the ropes to be a good mom, balancing discipline and being caring and loving.  Letting her join activities but not overwhelming her with it.  Most important is to be healthy.