The ugly side of the corporate world

I don't know why last year around this time, I was faced with some conflict with some people and was crying my eyes out for few days, mind you.  And this year, the same thing happened but with different group of people.

In summary, what happened was I was overlooked for a promotion.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't expecting it.  I was.  And I hope there will be a big jump in my salary.  But no.

In detail, the secrets of the underlying decision of who to be promoted was so ugly.  It was disgusting.  A person is not promoted based on his/her merits or contributions to the company or performance at work.  KPI was just a show.  A person was promoted because the boss like him/her.  

Fine.  It's not like I didn't know the ugly side of this.  I have seen enough TV dramas to understand.  But to happen to me, I really didn't know how to face it or react to it.

I was frustrated, angry and disgusted.  In fact, I felt betrayed.  Why?  Because both my colleagues who were the same level as me was promoted.  But I wasn't angry because of that.  I think one of them deserved it.  So did I think for myself.  

Because we report to different people, we found that it was their immediate bosses who decided the promotion and my boss was in the opinion that I wasn't ready.  I am not sure if I am ready or not but I really want a change and a boost in my career.  In fact, I feel, if I am not given a chance, how would I know if I am ready or not?  

To be honest, I wouldn't want to resign and change to a different company.  I am planning to work till I retire.  I was.  Now I am not sure.

Initially, when I found out, I was very sad.  Because I was expecting it and was hoping for some good news.  Guess my horoscope lied.  

Then, I felt betrayed and was angry.  Angry at whoever who decides on the promotion.  Angry that they overlooked me.  

Later, I felt I needed vengeance.  I felt everyone that I had lunch with are hypocrites.  Because they were the ones who promoted these colleagues of mine and they didn't help me although I didn't report to them, but they know me.  They just helped their own.  Fine.

The worse part was they didn't mentioned it to anyone of this decision.  OK, so it was up to them to tell or not to tell.  But we were having lunch almost every day and we talked about everything from work to personal to politics.  And even now they didn't open their mouth to say anything.

I was angry at my boss as well, but that's nothing new.  I cried my eyes out.  I was disappointed.  I put in so much of hard work.  I stayed late to help submit something when all the managers bailed out on me and left at 5.30pm or took leave on the day of submission.  I visited one of the VIP home to get his signature because no one else was willing to do it and as usual my boss decide to do something last minute.  Best part, SHE WAS ON LEAVE THAT DAY TOO!  I rushed to the bank as that document needed to be transacted on that very day and again that was when everyone was on leave too!  But who cares right?  They only care if it was late.  Not when it was on time.

So, I chatted with another colleague who is not involved in this and we report to different people.  I told her everything.  And you know what's her response?  She thinks her boss and another boss (whom we often have lunch with) is up against the CFO and my boss.  So, indirectly she was telling me that she is glad that her boss is fighting for their own people while I will remained the same because everyone knew my boss and knew what kind of person she is.  This was coming from someone whom I had lunch with for the past 10 years.  It's the truth but it is difficult to digest.  

So, I decided to cut ties with my lunch mates.  I decided to eat on my own.  I decided not to pour my hearts out with them.  I decided to just be hostile to everyone.  I was upset and angry.  No one appreciated me as an employee and none of them appreciated me as their lunch mates.  

The next day, I calmed down.  I found out that my boss wanted to wait for another year (maybe) to promote me and was hoping the others same level as me will be promoted the same time as me.  But their bosses think otherwise. 

I realised that I don't want to be like them.  I will in fact, not tell them so much of myself. But I will not be like them.  I will continue to stay humble, to respect those who respect me, to not have this ego that I deserved it and to treat everyone the same.  

Unfortunately, it's a dog eat dog world out there.  Now the environment in the office is so strange.  Some of my colleagues felt bad for me and pitied me.  One manager is angry and upset with her immediate boss for not telling her that her subordinate was promoted.  So they are not talking to each other.

Honestly, I don't like this feeling that people pity me or look down on me.  It hurts more.  I just hope people understand that I am not promoted because my boss is not in favour of me and not because I am not capable.  And vice versa for the others.

Then again, everyone have their own opinions and entitled for it.  So who am I to control what they want to think of me?  I can only control what I think of myself.