#MeToo

This hashtag was going on in Facebook in the wake of the the sex scandals of Harvey Weinstein.  #MeToo is to denounce sexual assault and harassment and to encourage women to open up and talk about their experiences.  

I am not sure if I have mentioned this anywhere in this blog, but yes, I was sexually harassed when I was younger.  It's not something that people can talk about and I have not spoken about it for a long, long time.  Eventually, I came to realise that I am not the only one and should not be afraid of it happening.  

The first time it happened to me was when I was 10 years old, or around that age.  I started puberty early and started having mini boobs.  It happened at my uncle's house and the person who did it was my cousin brother.  I used to stay overnight with my cousin sister and spent time with her, playing games, watching movies, etc.  Her brother, who is like 5 years older than me, 4 years older than her would like to disturb us.  One day, I was playing computer games on the computer in their parent's master bedroom.  My cousin sister stepped out for a while to go downstairs to do something.   Enter my cousin brother, who was much taller and bigger than me.  He came to disturbed me and started tickling me.  His tickling became molest.  And it was from top to bottom.  I couldn't push him away because he was strong and he made it looked like a game and I was blur about the whole feeling.  Coz it was ticklish and I was laughing but at the same time he was touching my boobs and I didn't like it.  My cousin sister came shortly after and 'rescued' me.  It seems to me she is aware of her brother's actions.  She scolded him and told him to leave us alone.  To me, I think he is aware of his actions.  He was at that time in secondary school.  He was a teenager at that time.  It happened more than once.  Much later I heard it happened to other cousin sisters and also my own sister, but not as bad as mine.  They just avoid him.

That experience made me very confused.  I didn't speak to anyone about it.  Not even my cousin sister.  Not my parents.  Not my sister.  

Not sure whether it was before or after that incident, my mom decided it was time to educate me about menstruation and how to use the sanitary pad and without mentioning how babies came from.  She told me that I should not let men touch me or else my boobs will grow very, very big.  It scared me, especially after that incident.  

Moreover, in my primary school, since I was one of the early bloomers, it was obvious to some male teachers.  One of them was a En Nordin.  He was super hamsap teacher and known to many of my friends and some teachers.  I still remembered that incident, where he entered our class and told us to greet him and I did loudly and was punished for that.  He told me to raise my arms up and down and when I was doing that, he was eyeing me from my chest onwards.  He only 'punished' me as my other friends wasn't as well bloomed as me.  Luckily he didn't touch me.

Don't know fortunately or unfortunately, my boobs did grew very big, compared to my friends.  I felt so guilty, thinking it must have happened because of that incident.  Many aunties, cousins and friends even commented how big they were.  I hated them so much that I would wear baggy clothes to hide them.  I don't even want to touch them myself.  I felt disgusted by it.  I thought what my mom said was really true.  Throughout my secondary school days, I would try my best to hide them.  As it is, I am a petite girl, with big boobs, so it was pretty obvious.  I would wear undersize bra that had caused me to have second boobs, meaning the flesh went to my armpit.  Now, after breastfeeding, it is as big as a ping pong ball and doctor suggested me to have it surgically removed.

It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I came to realise that the size of my boobs have nothing to do with whether men touched them or not.  And it was only then I realised the word of bring molested.  It was only then I realised that it was wrong and someone should do something about it.  It was also when my cousin sister passed away in a tragic accident that I overheard relatives talking about my cousin brother's penis that it was small like a boy and it wasn't growing properly.  So, I came to understand he was probably sexually frustrated or sexually confused.  It was then I told my mom and my aunties (not my cousin's mom), about the incident but they insisted that he was playing with me.  None of them sided me.  I was angry and frustrated.

I hated my boobs for a long, long time.  When I was 18, I have to have a surgery done to remove a cyst on my left boob.  The surgeon was a male and it was the first time a male doctor touched me appropriately.  But I was so shy and also felt so uneasy by it though he was a very nice, experienced, older man.

Slowly I came to realise that I am not the only one.  So many girls went through it, unfortunately.  And not many would want to talk about it.  

After given birth to my girl, I felt very protective of her, more so because she is a girl.  Now my boobs belonged to her and I am cool with that.  

I want to undo all the wrong things that my parents had done to me and I want to do the right thing with my girl, starting from her birth till as long as I live.  I want to tell her and warned her about all these predators out there.  I will pray hard to God to protect her for a long, long time and to always be by her side through thick and thin.  If anything happened to her, I would listen and believe her.  I will tell her the right thing and not wrong things like men-touch-boobs-grow-big kinda nonsense.  

I am thankful that I was only molested and nothing more.  But the experience was bad enough to last me a lifetime.  I emphatized with the victims of the sexually abused.  It took me a long time to start trusting men.  It took me a long, long time to be proud of my boobs again.  It took me so long to get out of the horrible feeling.  

This kind of thing can happened to anyone, anywhere, anytime.  Whether in your own home or relative's home.  Whether it's your own family or stranger.  Sick men are everywhere.

From young, please teach your boys to respect women.  Please teach your sons to protect their sisters.