I feel bad

I feel very guilty.  I have told myself that I won't repeat the mistakes that other parents made, but I made the same mistake myself.  I guess no one is perfect and we are still bound by our own weaknesses, ego and superego.

What happened was this.  Yesterday, I got a new mobile phone.  I don't usually like changing mobile phone and will stick to one as long as it is useful and working and will only change when it is broken and not working.  I am not a mobile phone heavy user.  Just occasionally watch video and whatsapp and facebook after office hours and during weekends only.  In the office, I used my desktop entirely since the office connection is much better than my mobile data or my home Wifi.

My husband is the one who is always carelessly using his phone.  Many times, either the motherboard burnt or he dropped it into the water and destroyed it or something or the other.  And you know, the phones we used are not water resistant, are not iPhones and basically not as long lasting as it used to be, think Nokia 3310.

Anyway, he broke his phone again and we have no choice but to get a new one.  I will always benefit with a new phone and my old phone will go to him.  

The main reason I dislike changing phones is because I have to re-download all the apps and register and login to all of them and that takes time.  What made it worse was our home WiFi was not working for unknown reasons.  So, I have to rely on my data to download all the apps and update them and so on.  I haven't even gotten time to transfer the photos from my old phone to the new but heck, I don't think I will bother about that for now since all the photos are saved into Google Photos.

Now, yesterday we got home about 9.30pm after gotten the new phone.  The moment I reached home, I started checking the WiFi and found that it is really not working, for real.  Same time I was downloading some apps using my data.  I wanted to check the customer service line for Unifi and found that besides my phone, none of my parents phone had data and so only my phone can work.  Told my husband to quickly change to my old phone and start browsing.  But too much work with the login and changing ID and so on.

I was multitasking, downloading apps and same time browsing the internet to find out about Unifi customer service.  Let me just tell you this.  They have a 100 number which is only dialable from land line operated by Telekom.  They don't have a customer service designated line.  You can connect via Facebook, Twitter and Live Chat but try doing that while downloading multiple apps with only that 1 phone that you are not familiar with yet.

Anyway, I was super frustrated.  The data was slow.  WiFi is out.  I have to get the phone ready because I need it.  The phone battery was low since it's new.  It was getting late.  I haven't shower.  My girl was unusually throwing tantrums and I have no idea why she just kept on crying and crying.  She pushed my hand away and landed on my thighs while I was juggling with the above.  I was above all, super irritated with everything and no one is helpful and no one can take her away from me.

I know she wants my attention and she is tired and wants to suckle to sleep.  But me, sitting on the floor, charging the phone and multitasking and not showered, I can't.  I just can't.

I scolded her for crying for no reason.  I got tired of her crying.  She looked at me with pitiful eyes and tears streaming down her cheeks and nose full of mucous.  She just wants me.  She kept calling me, mommy, mommy.  I pushed her away as I needed to get the thing sorted out ASAP.  She cried even more.  I scolded even more and told someone to take her away but no can do.

I made her milk, she refused to drink.  I carried her but she still cried.  The only thing she wanted was boobs and I can't give that to her since I haven't showered.

Anyway, ding-dong and all that, I finally gave in to her and took out my boobs and gave her.  She slept until I removed her and she woke up again.  It was midnight and she was wide awake, no more crying but was playing with the father now.  Managed to drink some milk from the bottle while I quickly went to shower and gave up on Unifi and new phone.

We slept at 1am, much to my despair.  I want her to sleep early and I know sleeping late is bad and crying so much is also no good.  I am trying.  I am really, really trying.  She doesn't want her father, she doesn't want anyone or anything.

I felt very bad after that.  This morning when I was much calmer and was meditating, I felt really, really bad.  And on top of that, read something on Facebook about our kids leaving us and no longer want to hug us when they grew bigger, so give them as much and hug them as much as we can now.

But I am really trying.  No one else is helpful.  Just stand there and watch me.  It's crazy!!!  

Anyway, finally lodge a report about Unifi and downloaded and upgraded all my apps on my new phone and now it's good to go.

I hope I don't repeat the same as I did yesterday.  I don't want to push her away, or shove her aside.  Baby girl, I love you very much!  I am sorry for what I did yesterday.