Baby No.2

Misleading title, no?  I am not pregnant.  But this idea of having a second baby is coming nearer.  A year ago, if you ask me if I want to have a second child, my answer would be NO.  I was exhausted from breastfeeding and pumping and I can't imagine starting all over again with Baby No.2.  

Now, a year has passed and my girl is growing up well and healthy.  I feel very blessed.  And I had thought to have a child in the year of the pig because it's auspicious for our family of rabbit and goats.  But....I will be turning 40 soon.  Is it ok to have a second child?

I was 36 when I had my girl and delivered her at 37.  True, I was an older mom compared to other women who have their first child in their 20s.  I married late at 32 years old and only started TTC when I was 34 years old.  That time the thought of having a baby after the age of 35 scares me a lot after reading so many horror stories.  First pregnancy before 35 was great news to me only to lose it at 6 weeks.  Then took another 2 years before finally getting pregnant again and having a baby.  Who would have thought that TTC can be so challenging?

Now, the idea of a second child is quite intimidating.  First, both me and DH will be in our 40s by the time second child comes, provided I get pregnant immediately this year.  Secondly, TTC might be a challenge again and who knows how many more years would it take before having the baby?  Third, higher risk of having a baby with birth defects.  This one scares me even more.  Fourth, financially are we ready?  Including education, etc, etc?  Fifth, can my parents take care of another grandchild?  My father already in his late 70s and my mom in her mid 60s.  Would it be too much to expect from them?

All these were running in my head and I had a lot of concerns.  So I tried to resolve them by planning and managing.  I can't control first and second and third.  As for fourth, I think we can manage but just manage and we won't be rich people or having luxuries of any sort and no more overseas travelling.  For the fifth one, we can always hire a helper.  But that would mean more money to spend.

And there are a lot more concerns that I wasn't aware of until I got pregnant and had a baby.  

Worries at birth:

Like the hearing test the first pediatrician did for newborns.  What if the test was not good?  Can we cope with a hearing-impaired child?  Not to mention down-syndrome, cerebral palsy and other birth defects?  When we TTC-ed for the first time, we never thought of all these although our age was already much higher than other parents of first child.  Now I am being told that having a baby in the 40s can have all these risks.  Can we manage?

Worries after birth - 1st year:

Newborn stage and the first year is the toughest and delicate.  My girl had hernia at 2 months old which the insurance company called it as birth defect.  Thank God she is fine now.  Is baby's development fine?  Motor skills good?  Eating properly?  This is the year to measure the development and I wasn't aware how concern the medical professionals were until there is a monthly evaluation form that we need to tick to ensure baby is growing well.  I am thankful that I get to tick Good for all.  But how about those with slow development?  It's a whole new spectrum altogether.  Additional special classes and sessions with professionals.  Can we manage?

Worries after 2nd year onwards:

This is the time when autism is diagnose.  Is the child normal or not?  Does the child likes to throw tantrum for unknown reason?  Does the child have communication problem?  Can't talk and can't walk?  Can't look into parents eyes?  A couple whom I know had their 3rd child in their 40s.  That child had a lot of behavioral issues.  To me like ADHD and slight autism.  He doesn't like to be told.  Can't really speak well even though he was 4.  Always running and screaming.  Not good academically but love to arrange things neatly, etc.  Another couple despite having their 1st child in their early 30s, the boy now have speech delay and mild autism.  Who knows how our child will turn out?  Can we manage?

So, what are my chances of me having a normal child again?  It is a gamble and I am always not that lucky in gambling so I am very scared.  

On top of all these worries, I am constantly having sciatica pain since the pregnancy.  And my energy levels are less tolerable now.  Especially my girl who refused her father's companion but preferred mine instead so she is stuck to me forever.  And her father would happily leave her to me so that he can do his own things while I can't do my own things.  With a second child, how would all these change?

I am counting my blessings every single day.  For my girl to be healthy and wise.  For someone to help to look after my girl and to teach her.  I am blessed to have a smart girl, though sometimes a little naughty but generally good on most days.

But I do want to re-use my nursing cover that I bought quite late for my girl.  I only used it a few months before putting it aside coz there is no need to for it now.  It's a super good nursing cover, muslin cotton, breezy and big.  I don't even have the heart to give it away.  And the lovely newborn baby smell?  And to breastfeed and this time hopefully successfully from birth?  I miss all that.  And to provide a sibling so that my girl is not the only child?

So, is having Baby No.2 a wise move?  I don't know.   I really don't know.