Touched by my girl

Yesterday and today, I had a tough day.  Someone confronted me of an email that I had sent.  Apparently some people in the email disagreed with how I wrote the email and was pissed and hurt.  I wrote it in the most professional and careful way and I have read it many times before I clicked sent.  Yet, it hurt someone else.

What was worse, was that person called up few others in the email and sort of ganged up on me.  I was ostracized and criticized.  Instead of telling me or calling me to ask me, they went around talking behind my back.  Sixth sense or not, I felt someone talking about me.  I was having headaches for many nights.  My girl was having nightmare every single night and woke up crying few times a night for a week.

Few of them were going to confront me when I go for the next meeting.  One of them felt it will be unfair to me for them to do this.  So she decided to call me up and talk to me first.  I broke down and cried.

I was disappointed with how things were.  I took my role seriously but I was told I was crazy for power and it went to my head.  I was upset that things were not organised and communicated and people were just doing things their own way and interfering into my role.  I was worried and shared my concerns in that email.  That was all.  But that backfired.

As I cried, I was sobbing.  The other person on the phone felt bad and tried to comfort me.  I just couldn't stop.  I felt betrayed.  I felt cheated.  Because in front of me, the others said something and behind of me, they said something else.  While I can't control what they said, I believed everyone in goodwill and I trusted them.

My girl kept calling me, "Mommy, Mommy..." as I continued crying on the phone.  Then she laid down next to me and she held my hand and kissed it.  I just continued crying.  I couldn't stop.  She hugged me and kept waiting for me and singing nursery rhymes while waiting for me to get off the phone.  She touched my face and wiped away the tears.  She didn't know what her mommy is going through.

I was upset because I felt so misunderstood.  Because in email, you cannot read emotions, therefore you are only reading the email based on your own emotions, not mine.  And my mistake was writing the email in a frustrating way in the beginning and ended the email by saying I am not joining the meeting but that was because I was sincerely tired and didn't want to rush back from work to go.  But since the reader read the beginning of the email in a wrong way, the end of the email came as being harsh and rude.  That wasn't my intention at all.

What upset and made me even more sad was I can't even explain myself.  That came as justifying my actions.  So I decided to just accept defeat and move on.  Probably a wise move, probably not.  I just admitted my mistake and apologised and asked for forgiveness.  I felt so alone in this battle.  They kept wanting me to be in their shoes but none of them want to be in mine.  

Today, the whole day at work I was crying.  I walked to the nearest mall and had a good cry in the toilet.  I just cannot understand what is happening.  I spoke to the people I have hurt and they told me how they felt and I couldn't even tell them my story.  

Anyway, being a mom made me even more emotional.  All of us are moms.  But we have different personality.  My mistake was being too professional in a group of moms.  That was my mistake.  

For my girl I am going to be strong.  I am going to overcome all of this.