About death

This is a subject that is a taboo to many and nobody likes to talk about it.  Past few days, this subject has cropped up many times.  In fact, past week, many heart wrenching events happened.  I was debating with myself whether to write or not.  But I want to get it out of my chest.  Please skip this post if you are not comfortable reading about death.

Silent Mentor

Remember I posted about it here?  After going to the Gratitude Ceremony which is the last ceremony before the cremation, I have a different point of view with regards to this whole program.  It was truly an eye-opener.

On Sunday, it was an emotionally-drained day.   It was the final day of the Silent Mentor program which my uncle who passed away in September 2018 is involved.  Let me just run through the whole program.

At 8am, all family members met up at UH.  We were guided to the Auditorium in UM Faculty of Medicine in which the Gratitude Ceremony was held.  The organisers were very punctual and started at 8am sharp.  This time there were 4 Silent Mentors.  

When the ceremony started, 2 selected medical students did a presentation on their Silent Mentor.  My uncle was third on the list.  Each presentation is about half an hour.  The presentation is on the life of the Silent Mentor, from birth to death.  This information from this presentation was gathered during the Family Visit a month ago, in which the medical students who were chosen in this Silent Mentor program would visit the immediate family members in their home and look through the photo albums to understand more about their Silent Mentor.

How was the medical student chosen?  According to them, they have to write in to Silent Mentor and write an essay as to why they would want to join this program.  Every universities get to send two Year 4 medical students only.  Because the Silent Mentors are very limited and few and the quality of the body of the Silent Mentors are like living people, it is a very good opportunity for the students to do their hands-on as it is more accurate.

After the presentation ended, a slide show on the one week program was shown to us.  I must give praise to the photographer for he or she was very professional in the photo taking that invoke lots of emotions among the family members.  None of us have dry eyes after the slide show.  

The Silent Mentor program started on a Sunday, a week before the Gratitude Ceremony that I attended.  On the prior Sunday, the bodies of the Silent Mentor which has been deep frozen were taken out to thaw.   The students would clean the metal bed before removing the bodies from the freezer and placing them on the bed.  The students would then give their Silent Mentors a bath, wash their hair, body, etc.  It would take 2 days for the body to be soft.

On Wednesday, early in the morning, close immediate family members were invited to view the body for the last time and prayers conducted.  I didn't go but from the photos that I saw, it was another emotionally charged ceremony.  After that, the Silent Mentor workshop would begin where family members are not allowed.  

After 3 days of workshop, it ended with the Gratitude Ceremony being the last to mark the end of the week long program.

Now back to the Gratitude Ceremony.  The week-long program was projected on the screen for all to see via photos.  The photographers were very careful not to capture the face or body of the Silent Mentors.  If captured, it would be blurred.  One photograph made me cry hard despite pinching myself numerous time was one that was focus from down to up, on my uncle's hair and my aunty looking down at him, placing a flower.  OMG!  How can the photographer be that good?  OK, the music was also extremely sad and heart wrenching.

After the slide show, specialist from each workshop were to give a short speech.  Then the student representative for each Silent Mentor gave a speech.  Then the immediate family members were invited to give a speech.  Then certificate of appreciation were given by the Professor who is the Director for the Silent Mentor program to the immediate family members.  Then the students performed and sang 2 songs.  And closing speech by the Professor.  And then we were told to proceed outside for the funeral service.

Once outside, my mom and I were shocked.  Side by side were 4 coffins all draped with white cloth and flowers placed on top.  My uncle was in the 3rd coffin.  Never in my life have I seen coffins side  by side.  Except in pictures of catastrophe.  So, I was totally taken aback.  

Here, the students were the hearse bearer plus 1 immediate family member.  All the other family members queue at the back of the coffin.  We pay last respect and then one by one, the coffin was pushed along the hall way to the exit where the vans were waiting.  Here, I was extremely touched again.  The students have gathered along the hallway, line up on the left and right, in their white coats and bow their heads as we passed by.  I was so touched that I cried again.  Again, never in my life have I seen someone who have passed on to be treated with so much of respect by so many people.

Once outside, we followed the van by walking to the main road.  And then we got on the bus and left for Xiao En Nilai for the cremation .  The students also came along.

At Nilai, when we arrived, the 4 coffins were again side-by-side, right in front of the door to the furnace.  Chairs were put in front for us.  Once everyone has arrived, we sang 2 songs.  One in Chinese and Amazing Grace.  Then family members were told to put flowers for the Silent Mentors, followed by the students.  And that was the end of the ceremony and we proceeded to vegetarian lunch at the Xiao En temple.

And that was it.  The next day, the immediate family members went to collect the ashes and send it down the sea.  

Now, people would avoid this subject because it is sad, inauspicious, whatever not.  And although the whole thing has made me very sad and crying one after another time, I felt that the whole program make me see that doctors are also human.  They respected the Silent Mentors and treated them with so much of care.  

So that was an eye-opener for me and if you want to know more about it, you can Google to find out.

Penang Crash

The Penang crash that happened on the same day of my uncle's cremation sent shivers down my spine.  That was because my cousin passed away in the almost same tragic car accident where the accident was caused by a third party.  It was also the same cousin whose father was the one cremated  on Sunday.  I can only imagine how the family members would have felt.  Just the same way I felt 19 years ago.  In my cousin's case, she died instantly as her neck snapped.  But this poor boy died of drowning.  Very sad and tragic.

Having been through the loss of someone so tragically and sudden, I can only say this.  Always think of the consequences when you do something.  Speed kills.  Illegal racing on the road kills.  Drink driving kills.   The person who died would have died in vain while the person who caused the accident would have to go to jail or fined heavily.  In my cousin's case, I think the lorry driver was fined only.  

Young people nowadays like to live dangerously.  But one lost like this would haunt the family for life.  Just as I remembered her death so vividly as if it happened yesterday.

Here's what is on my mind:

1.  After my cousin's death, the authorities decided to replaced the metal divider that separates between the 2 opposite roads, one heading to Puchong, another to Damansara with concrete dividers.  That was because the lorry whose tyre puncture and lost control and crashed into the metal divider before crashing head-on on my cousin's car.  She had no chance of escaping.  

So, now the authorities want to make higher barrier on the Penang Bridge to prevent this kind of accident to happen again.  My question is, how come the authorities only do something after someone have died?  When they build the bridge, can't they think of ways to make everyone on the road safe?

2.  So I read that the 2 were friends and were racing.  I have been driving for 20 years.  I won't say I am an excellent driver.  I have met small accidents where I hit others and there were others who hit me.  The road is never safe and although I keep telling myself to be careful, there are many careless people on the road.  I have driven mostly local cars and sometimes my father's Vios.  After driving my friend's Bezza for the past few months, I realised that that car, if I go over 110km/h when I overtake on the highway, it would fly and very difficult to control.  The car would swerve left and right and I would be grabbing tight to the steering to control as little movement would send the car going zig-zag.  When I drive the Vios, it is much more stable and at 110km/h, it is still very steady.  My point is, I feel, that when a car reaches a certain speed, it would be very difficult to control unless you are a Formula One driver.  And different car have a different speed in which it becomes difficult to control.  So, our roads are not made for racing and cars are not made to go to the maximum speed.  

3.   The photos of the dead has been circulating on social media.  Please have some respect for the victim and also his family members.  I have seen some of the photos.  It was gruesome.   Please stop sharing photos like this.  Can you imagine how the family members be feeling right now?  I can tell you it is crappy.  To have to identify the body.  To have to see the way it is.  And the parents are not young.  Please give them privacy to mourn the loss of their son.  This loss will be forever etched in their hearts.  I feel so sorry for the mother.  Having been a mother myself, I feel so sad that she has taken care of him for 20 years and lost him in 1 night.   

I am not going to comment about parenting and why no curfew, why allowed to go out so late, etc?  I am sure at some point the parents are now blaming themselves for allowing it.  So to end this post, please drive carefully.  Follow the speed limit.  Don't speed.  Don't race.  Never try something that will harm others.  If you want to do something daring and thrilling, go bungee jumping.   Don't risk your life on the road thinking that you can control your car when you don't have that confidence.  The driver who ram the victim is a P driver, which means he has been driving for 2 years only.  Formula One drivers also have to practice hard on the race track.  So, please do yourself a favour, for your family and loved ones, please don't do something stupid because the consequences are most often than not, something not pleasant.

So 2 deaths.  One was old age and illness and the final journey was treated with lots of respect by many people and dignified.  Another lost his life in vain and left the world in fear.  Rest in peace.  And may you find peace in the other world.  And for the family members, time will heal.  But sometimes it takes a long, long time before it heals.  Memories like this will never be erased.  Stay strong and to the older brother, please take good care of your parents.