Feeling depressed

I finally understand what Kim Kadarshian is going through although her reasons may differ from mine.  I am feeling a little depressed as the pregnancy progresses and find it to be tiresome to be heavily pregnant.

My friends told me that this is a normal process.  One of them said her gynae suggested her to go somewhere, instead of staying at home during this time.  Another friend told me that I need a hobby to get going.

For me, it's like this.  It's end of the year.  It's holiday season.  Everyone is going or gone for a nice vacation.  Whereas, here I am, staying at home, either washing baby stuff or just wasting my time, watching movies on YouTube.

Don't get me wrong.  I am very grateful to be pregnant and I know I shouldn't be complaining.  At this point of time, I am so blessed that baby is alright.  Last check-up, she is 2.1kg, heartbeat 163bpm, very active and she has already turned her head downwards.  Everything is looking good.  My amniotic fluid is enough, my pee is clean (no traces of protein), my blood pressure is normal and my weight is perfect.

It may be the hormones, I really don't know.  Only another woman who has been pregnant before may be able to comfort me.  Because you really have to go through it to understand.  Even my husband doesn't understand why I am feeling this way.  And I pray hard that it doesn't become a post-partum depression.

There are so many things that I would love to do, but I can't.  Very simple things.  

- I wanted to clean the room, instead of waiting for my husband to clean.  But after going up and down the stairs few times, I ran out of breath and each time I need to sit down for a few minutes before I do anything.  In the end, I was so tired even before I start doing anything.

- The only time I took leave is either to see the Obgyn or to go and do official government things, like renew visa, renew driving license, etc.  

- I am becoming more and more forgetful and my pregnancy brain is taking over me.  People keep telling me that they have told me before but I really do not remember.  This has affected my work.

- I wanted so much to go and do window shopping, to see what nice dresses for the little one.  But I can't walk for long.  My feet aches.

- The biggest thing that I can't do is to bend down.  So many times, I wanted to pick up something on the floor, or to just sit on the ground, but can't get up.  

- I have urine leaks everytime I cough or sneeze.  Sometimes when at home, I really don't want to wear a panty liner, but I can't.

- Worry financially and after buying so many necessity for baby, we are now very tight.

- My husband and my off days are different.  So, we don't get to do many things together.

- I would love to spend time doing cross-stitch but because of Chinese pantang, I can't do any needlework.

- I am tired of waiting for my husband to do everything.  I know he is already very tied-up with work and back home he has to do every chore.  I love to help him out but I can't.

I need Babymoon but now it's too late.  I can't fly anywhere nor travel anywhere far.  At the same time, I don't want baby to come out so fast.  It's only 34 weeks.  

In fact, I don't think it's a good idea to stay in any hotel for the time being because I can't sleep without my maternity pillow.  Since pregnant, DH and I haven't gotten intimate for fear of miscarriage.  Right now, hormones are making me really horny but I can't do anything about it either.  No nipple stimulation because may cause contractions.  Although Obgyn didn't say no sex, but we are staying clear of that.  Also, Obgyn is going on holiday for 2 weeks.  It's better not risk it now.

I want to feel joy and happiness again.  I want to travel or fly somewhere with husband.  I have lots of rest and break and was told to rest as much as possible now.  I have that.  I have gotten everything for baby.  Husband is waiting hands and feet on me and I truly appreciate that.  It's now a matter of time, waiting.

I know we won't be travelling anywhere with baby for 2-3 years.  And 2 months maternity leave is not really a holiday.  I really don't know what I can do now.  As much as I want to cherish this time, I find myself struggling.

Sigh.

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