Post-partum depression and a system that works

Today, I would like to post about post-partum depression.  This is a serious problem and I hope people take this seriously.

Honestly, I don't know if I have it when I was in confinement.  Due to the breastfeeding problems that I was facing, I was so upset and cried a lot.  There were times, I was so frustrated with my little one that I just ignored her and let her cry.  I just sat there watching her cry until DH came and carried her away.

There were also many times that I was so afraid that I would hurt her.  More so when she co-sleeps with me.  Every morning, I woke up to make sure she is breathing and then I breathe a sigh of relief.  

Women who had severe post-partum depression can hurt their little one or hurt themselves.  There are many cases out there where new mothers have murdered their newborn child because of this.  Or new mothers who committed suicide because of this.  

From my experience, I was very aware of this right from the time I delivered.  I was looking out at myself, checking if I have any symptoms and controlling my emotions and not allowing it to escalate to uncontrollable situations.  

But then, there are some things that cannot be help or things that are not within my control.  Things like lack of support from family.

Truth to be told, when my girl was delivered, I wasn't excited at all to see her.  I don't know why but I do not have a maternal feel.  There's no love feeling in me.  I just stared at her and wondered if this really happened.  

When I was pregnant, I was very aware of the whole pregnancy and her movement and all that.  But once she is out, I felt so disconnected.

It was only when I was in the 2nd month post-partum that I began to enjoy her company.  I began to fall in love with her.  I began to be aware of this little girl who was in my womb for 9 months and that I delivered her naturally.  That she is mine.  

The first month post-partum was truly crazy and havoc.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't expect it to be so difficult.  I was so frustrated and flustered most of the time.  The confinement beliefs also made me so mad.  I wanted to do a lot of things, but I couldn't do it on my own.  I didn't have time to do anything myself.  I hardly rested.

Although my husband was there the whole month to look after me and baby and my mom and my aunties took turn to cook for me, I still felt inadequate.  

Prior to delivery, I thought that I would be able to handle all these.  I made arrangement for post-partum massage.  I have decided not to hire a confinement lady because it was near to Chinese New Year and the prices were exorbitant.  I have gotten ready all the things necessary for baby's arrival.  Pump bought, storage bottles checked, baby's clothes checked.  We have also decided to co-sleep with baby so the cot was left downstairs for her morning/afternoon naps.  I also got some cloth diapers because I wanted to save cost.  I was also determined to breastfeed so I didn't keep a can of formula.  

When baby arrived, I was glad she didn't have severe jaundice.  She was in good health but was crying very much.  Now, thinking back, she was very alert compared to jaundice babies who slept most of the time.  But I couldn't handle her crying so much.  I couldn't read her.  I couldn't understand her.

From what I read about breastfeeding, latching as much as possible helps to determine the supply.  So, I did just that and didn't pump.  But now thinking back, I should have started pumping earlier so that I can keep some stock and not fret so much.

Anyway, back to the topic, I felt I lack support from family in terms of breastfeeding.  And reading forums on Facebook and seeing the multiple bottles that some oversupply mommies were producing was very discouraging.  It was supposed to be motivating but it has an opposite effect on me.  The more I read the posts on TBAN, the more depressed I became.  I noticed this and decided to stop reading.

I couldn't find a system that fit our lifestyle.  Everyday was a struggle because everyday there was something new.

When baby didn't pooped for a week, I was worried and was checking on her daily and praying she would pooped soon.  Ended up to see the paed and was told she didn't drink enough milk.  Besides her weight was also dropping.  Told to supplement.

But I was stubborn because everywhere I read, I should not supplement with formula.  No matter what.  Just keep on direct latching.  Which I did.  

Baby has a nice latch and she was sucking.  What I didn't realised was she wasn't sucking properly.  Probably because my boobs were big and the areola area was was high up and that her tiny mouth couldn't put everything into her mouth.  I don't know, but now thinking back, this could be the reason.

I was desperate to get help and paid breastfeeding counselor.  Now thinking back, breastfeeding counselor are just mommies like you and me who has breastfed their child and based on their experience, charging that.  They are not registered lactation consultant.  But I was desperate.  I don't care how much I have to pay.  I just need to get it right.

I was taught to use the lactation aid to get her back at the breast.  It was a lot of hard work.  Some mothers told me to just pump and feed her because I am going back to work and will be pumping anyway.  But again, so many times I read that I shouldn't pump so early.  I understand, pumping too early may cause oversupply.  But now I am undersupply.

My family thought I was just being too stubborn but gave in to my request and drove me to see whichever breastfeeding counselor or lactation consultant that I wanted to see.  But their constant, "Not enough of milk ah?", "Is that why she is crying so much?  Because she is hungry?" and them telling baby, "Your mother is starving you."  All these words made it worse for me.  I felt like a terrible mother.  As it is, I felt disconnected and now a terrible mother.  What happened?  Did I truly gave birth?  Is this all a dream?

Even with DH, I was frustrated with him all the time.  I wish he would do things without me telling him to do.  I wish he could stabilise me emotionally too.  Don't get me wrong.  He was there for me the whole time.  But I wish he just stopped whatever he is doing and just concentrate on me and baby.  So many times I fought with him and cried.  I felt he didn't provide the right support and didn't encourage me to do what I wanted.  He felt I was just being paranoid and should just relax and let things be.

Then we hit a big snag.  Hernia that needed surgery.  In order to prepare her for the surgery, we have to fatten her up so that she is stronger to face it.  No choice, formula it was.  Until a good friend donated some breast milk for her.  And we have to give her the bottle more and fewer direct latch.

When I gave her the formula, I felt like a terrible mom.  So many friends told me to stop giving her the formula but I was at wit's end.  I didn't have enough for her and was told to keep on latching.  And I did.  I latched for 24 hours, almost.  Didn't even have time to go toilet.  Let alone have to do the sitz bath 4 times a day.  But still she was crying away.

It was only when I got back to work that I found a system that work for all of us.  And in order to keep my sanity, I gave in to supplementing with formula.  So that she has enough to drink and stay healthy.  

My supply was still low no matter what I did.  But I kept on pumping.  After many trial and errors, I found the best way and replicate that and now it is the most comfortable approach.

Before I share what is my system, I just want to say that there are many times I was on the verge of post-partum depression.  But I always make sure I stopped myself from feeling negatively by meditating.  Or message or talk to a friend who understands.  Or listening to soothing music.  Or read more spiritual books.  I am glad the depression didn't prolong.  

So here's my successful system.  Bear in mind, I am a pump-today-drink-tomorrow mom.  So, I am pumping around the clock.  But it works for me.

Weekdays while at work

5.30am - Wake up.  If baby is still sleeping, I would start my first pump by doing a power pump.  My power pump is 20 minutes pump, rest 10 minutes, pump 10, rest 10, pump 10.  All together will be 1 hour.  If baby is awake (usually she would move when I move), then I would let her to latch first, then do my normal pump.  But most of the time, I wish she would sleep longer because after she has latched and I pumped, the supply is lower.  So I cannot keep much stock.  And on top of that, she still able to drink another 4oz at 7am.  So, that drives me nuts.  My yield at this time is the biggest.  Started with 4oz each pump.  Now I can get 6oz.

6.30am - Shower, meditate, prep for work.  Bring baby down and pass her to my parents.  They will bath and feed her and then put her back to sleep.  Her routine is feed, play for half an hour and then sleep for 4 hours.

8am - Leave for work

9am - Second pump of the day in the company's lactation room.  Earlier, I tried pumping 30 minutes but I felt the yield is almost the same as pumping 20 minutes.  So, in order not to get reprimanded for being away from my desk too long, I compromised with pumping 20 minutes at 9am.  I have tried pumping at 10am but I felt I hardly have time to do my work coz I have to interrupt it half way.  By pumping at 9am and the next pump is 1pm, then I have a span of 4 hours to do work.  The yield from this session is usually 2.5oz to 3oz.  

1pm - My lunch time and also 3rd pumping session.  This is when I would do another power pump.  As we are not allowed to eat in the lactation room, I usually have my lunch at 12pm at my desk or at 2pm after pumping.  My yield from this session is about 4oz to 5oz.

5pm - I would not allow myself to go in between pumps more than 4 hours.  I heard supply would dipped if I do that.  So, I am sticking to the 4 hour span.  This is the 3rd session and the yield is about 3oz.  

7pm - Reached home and would do another pump.  Usually, if I pumped after 2 hours gap, the yield is like 1-2oz.  But surprisingly, this session would contribute a yield of 3oz.  If time permits, I would do another power pump and the yield is 3.5oz to 4oz.  Coz I would eat my dinner while pumping (thanks to hands-free pumping bustier).

9pm - Pump again.  This time the yield is the lowest.  2oz max.  

11pm - Last pump before I call it a day.  Sometimes I don't get to do this session because baby would be cranky and fussy.  She knows I am back and she knows I can give her the boobs for comfort nursing.  So, she would cry very loudly.  And sometimes I would be so dead tired that I would missed this pump.  Instead, I would try to drag the 9pm pump, so that it's longer, say pump at 10 instead, so get 3 hour gap.

Between 11pm to 5.30am, it's direct latch all the way while she sleeps.  I would keep switching from left to right boobs throughout the night.

Weekends and on days when I am off

Almost the same routine as weekdays except that I would pump every 2 hours from the time I wake up.  On weekends, I would allow myself to sleep longer unless baby wakes me up.  Then every 2 hour I would pump and squeeze in a power pump in between.  If baby naps in the afternoon, I would sleep with her and let her latch.  I would miss a pump or 2 here so we can sleep longer.

If I go out, I won't bring my pump because it's a hassle.  I would make sure I don't go longer than 4 hours.  If more than 4 hours, then let her latch.  But usually going out, I would bring a bottle or 2 breast milk.  Because my supply is low and my letdown is slow, she would take hours at the breast.  Better when it's sleeping at night.  But no good when we are out shopping.  Who wants to wait for 1 hour for me.

Since I am a low yield mom, each day at work I can pump about 10oz.  She drinks 4oz each session and she would take 4 bottles of 4oz from the time I leave home for work till the time I get home.  That's 16oz while I am away.  At night, she would sometimes drink another 2 more before we sleep together.  So, you can imagine, how I am always chasing after her demand.  If I don't pump enough for 1 day, then next day would have to suffer.  To keep my sanity, I gave her formula 1 feeding at night before we sleep together, if I see the fridge only have 3 bottles of milk for the next day.  Then we would have just nice.

Is it tiring to pump around the clock?  You bet it is.  I am a zombie at work by Friday.  The lactation room is over the next building.  And I have to walk there 3 times a day.  What I noticed is, when I am happy, the yield would be slightly better.  If I am tired, the yield would be lower.  

So far, I have not found a milk booster yet.  And besides, my supply has established.  It has been constant the moment I hit 3 months post-partum.  

But I am happier now.  I don't go crazy if I don't have enough.  I just supplement.  I try not to but on days when I don't pump enough, then no choice.  I would make sure I have 4 bottles of 4oz each everyday before I leave for work.  So, once I have the 4 bottles, then I go easy on myself.

I would end this post by saying this.  Post-partum depression is dangerous.  If you think you have it or you think someone else you know have it, then do give them as much support as you can.  Help them out in the house.  Let them relax more.  Encourage them in breastfeeding.  If worse come to worse that supplementation is needed, don't discourage that.  Formula is not poison though it is not the best option.  In the end, life goes on.  Be happy and baby would also be happier.  Enjoy motherhood as their newborn phase will go by very quickly.  

Most importantly is love yourself and love your baby.  Your baby would love you too.

And next time if I have another baby, I would check myself into a confinement centre that encourages breastfeeding.  There would be someone looking after baby 24 hours while I get back at my feet and someone to look after me as well.  Win-win situation.  But be prepare to fork out a lump sum.