I just need to get this out of my system

This has nothing to do with motherhood or pregnancy.  In fact, nothing to do with the goals of this blog.  I just need to get it out of my system, once and for all.  Since I have already embarrassed myself to the maximum today, might as well just pour out everything.

This is about work.  This is about my lady boss.  

I have worked here for 7 years, reporting to 1 person the whole time and that is my lady boss.  

From the beginning of the time I joined until today, I have never quite understand her way of doing things.  I tried to be in her shoes.  I tried to understand her upbringing.  I tried to understand her behaviour.  I tried to understand her so much so that I began to lose myself.

Before I go into our history, let me just assert this about myself.  I respect people who respect me as a person.  That's the way I live my life.  I showed courtesy to others all the time.  Yes, I have done many things when I was angry, like shout at others, throw things at them, disrespect them.  But over time, I learned my mistakes and made amendments.  In fact, each time I did this shouting business, I felt extremely guilty.  Overall, I won't say I am a super nice person, but I am not a nasty person.  At times, when the hormone strikes, I get out of control.  But I became more aware of this and took control of myself, though sometimes, I failed.

I am not the type who uses foul words on others when angry.  I have NEVER used any foul language, in whatever dialect, all my life.  That's my principle.  I am not the type who swear on others though many times, deep inside, I wish I had done that.

I hate confrontations.  I have been in many of them and they don't usually end well.  In fact, none of the confrontations ended well.  It was just swept under the carpet and then explode the next time.

Lately I find that I get angry a lot.  I had shouted at my subordinate, using words that hurt.  I have done the same to my husband.  In fact, I have bullied others whom are easy target.  I realised this was wrong and I have tone down myself considerably.  I tried to show them more love than hate.  

Since becoming a mother, I learn not to be so harsh on others.  But at times, this negativity of being harsh spreads far and wide.  Especially in this office.  It has become a culture for people to have quarrels, arguments, shouting match, all the time.  Slowly, I became absorbed into it and became one of them.  I hate myself being like that.  I don't feel superior.  In fact, I felt like a jerk.

So, I introspected myself and try to control my emotions, my anger, my stress.  I tried my very best not to take it out on others.  Yes, I tried very hard especially when they others took it for granted.

Anyway, I tried to be a nice person.  I tried to be understanding.  I tried to be less selfish.  I tried to be humble.

And above all, I expect others to do the same as well.

But how wrong was I.  I thought I could change others or that they will change over time, but no one will change if they don't want to.  

I am the type who crack jokes but not sarcastic to others.  

So, when I got hit in all ways, all the bad things that I have done on others, came back 10 folds on me, I really don't understand what happened and why it happened.  

Yes, I have regretted in the past for being rude to others, for being harsh unnecessarily, for being inconsiderate, being selfish, being demanding.  And I have changed my ways.

But suddenly, it came and hit me.  Day after day.  

When I first started working here, it took me 1 year to understand her and get on her good books and to show her that I can actually work with her.  Things became a little better, but I won't say she has changed.  But mostly because I adjusted to her style and her way.  I know what she wants.  I learned to cope with her behaviour.

She is very mean to her subordinates.  She uses harsh words.  She scolds without consideration.  She doesn't want to listen to others and deemed herself right all the time.  But at the same time, she is very generous when it comes to money.  She cracked jokes with other colleagues who doesn't report to her.  She is good to bosses.  She is a good employee but not a good manager.

Ever since she got her own room, and her head got bigger than ever, I get the brunt of her ego a lot of times.  And I have no idea why I always get attacked for no reason.  Not only me, the other subordinates too.  At first I don't take it personally.  Then it feels more and more like a personal attack.

She would throw harsh words on me, picking on all my mistakes, showing her anger at me, telling me off for the most petty issues that I may have or have not done.  And it is becoming so often lately, like almost everyday I get this kind of verbal abuse.

Words such as, "Are you still in dreamland?", "Are you awake now?", "You work is so lousy.", "You can't do this lah, come on", "Your work quality is so bad.", "Can you please look at your work before you pass to me, it's as if you never done anything.", "Why you never check on this?  Not the first time already.  So many times still the same mistakes?"  Not to mention her constant micromanaging ways, sending emails on a daily basis, asking me to check this, that, update the status of this, that, follow up on this, that.  

So much so that I tried to tolerate it all.  I refused to confront her.  I just kept quiet each time she throw verbal abuses at me.  I swallowed my saliva and pride and continue doing my work and giving my best.  I went home, couldn't sleep, thinking of the ways to cope with such person.  I wanted to resign, but because of the current economy, I decided against it.  

I asked God, please give me a solution.  God says to stay in the current job and not move.  I asked my husband to please advise me.  He told me to understand my boss that it is her way of doing things and don't take it personally.  I asked my friend for advise.  She told me to meditate more and be more in the present.  Things will work out.  

I don't know how.

Then it happened.  It exploded.  I exploded.  And I have no intention of doing it.  It was so spontaneous.

Today, she called me to her room.  As usual, she started picking on my mistakes.  I tried to explain calmly why I have done that way.  She continued picking on me saying my work quality has dropped, bringing the past into the picture.  I kept quiet.  She kept on saying this and this was wrong, why I do like this, why never check, why so careless.  And all these was said in a harsh tone, mind you.  Then a phone call came in and there was a break.  I looked outside her window and prayed to God, please give me a solution.  Please guide me.  I was on the verge of breaking.

The phone call ended and she continued highlighting all my mistakes.  I tried to defend myself and raised my voice.  She told me to control my tantrum and why would I want to throw tantrum when she haven't even started.  And it's morning, she doesn't want to throw any tantrum yet.  I just broke down and cried and told her off.  That she has been picking on me day after day for every single thing and I have no idea what I did wrong that she kept on picking on me.  That she never even give me credit for rushing the job for her, although I made a lot of mistakes, which I admitted.  But if I have to rush in 2 days, what quality work do you expect from me?

Then she said maybe she has high expectations and wanted more from me.  That she was not picking on me but guiding me.  I said this is not guiding.  That she has no idea what else I am doing.  She said she knew.  I said no, then I gave her a whole list of the things I was doing, which she kept quiet.  I said I am very tired.  I have so much things to do and I tried to do everything for everyone and here you are picking on every single mistakes I made.  And she said she know what I am doing a lot and under a lot of pressure.

OK, I poured my heart out.  I guess it needed to come out.  But the crying was unnecessary, maybe?  Anyway, she calmed down and tone down her voice.  And explained that she told the big boss my good work, and she didn't tell me that and was like, 'Do I need to tell you all that?'

See, in the end of it, all I did was embarrassed myself by crying and sobbing.  I just don't understand why is there a need to talk harshly with the excuse of guiding and training me.  What is the reason for talking down on me?  What's the excuse of verbally abusing me day after day until I cannot take it any more?

I just don't understand this culture of being harsh in order to show superiority.  If you don't respect me, then how on earth am I supposed to respect you in return?

And most of all, what I don't understand is this.  Why do you need to verbally abuse me in order to guide me?  If you did tell the big boss about my achievements, why can't you tell me that?  Instead every time I see you, I get scolded for the most tiniest thing.  You micro-manage my every thing, including where I should make personal calls?  Isn't it a bit too much?

Few years back, I had a major confrontation with her and I didn't like it.  She was stunned at that time and I told her off the same thing I told her off today.  About her behaviour and how she is treating me.  But at that time, not only I didn't cry, but I didn't express myself properly too.  Instead I mocked her in anger.  She was stunned and didn't say much.  But today, I can tell she is much more prepared now for confrontations like this.

This time, I don't know what's gone wrong with me.  I just can't handle it anymore.  Maybe because I am exhausted from major sleep deprivation from looking after my girl, or I am doing so much of ad hoc work that I don't even know where to focus, or that I am not meditating properly and neglected myself badly?  I don't know where has gone wrong.  It's been ages, months since I get sudden outburst like this and I totally dislike this feeling.

I dislike this feeling of not being able to get hold of myself and I dislike this feeling of being control by others until I have no freedom.

It's true that I can't expect people to behave a certain way.  But the most basic courtesy?  That's all I am asking.  I just want to earn my money, working peacefully, giving my best.

I don't even care if I get very poor KPI from all these outburst.  I just want to have a peaceful life.  That's all.

And I seriously don't know how to deal with her still.  People said don't let bully overcome you.  But how?  Don't confront them.  Praise them?  

To those people that I have hurt in the past, I want to tell you that I am very sorry.  I know words hurt and those words said cannot be taken back.  I apologise for those words said in anger.  I apologise for those actions did out of bad temper.  

I just want to survive in this working world, in one piece.