Take a break

Hi everyone!  It's a beautiful Friday and it's the last day of the working week and it's time to relax and take a break.  

This morning, as I walked to my car in the porch, I noticed my dog, on a leash, looking very down, lying down and not move much.  As I looked at his face a bit longer, I noticed that he has aged.  Then I realised, I haven't been looking at him for a long, long time.

Ever since I fell pregnant and given birth, I haven't gone near my dog at all!  My husband has been the one looking after him, bathing him, taking him for walks and feeding him.  And I did nothing.

I was the sole person to take care of him.  My friend adopted him when he was born but after few years, she had to give him up as she moved to a smaller place and there's no space for the dog.  So, I adopted him after that.  For many years, we paid a lot of attention on him.  My father would trained him.  I was the main person to walk, feed, bath him.  If I was not around, my mom would do that.  

When I got married, I handover the duties to him.  On and off, I would probably massage him once in a while and catch his ticks every time there's outbreak.  When my nephew was born, we were extra careful with having a dogs around.  My dad became super conscious with cleanliness and make sure not a dog fur is in the house.

When I got pregnant and gave birth, I hardly spend any time with him.  When I was pregnant, I wouldn't want him to come near me for I was afraid I might trip and fall.  Besides, I couldn't sit on the floor to massage him or catch his ticks.  After given birth, I spent even lesser time with him.  Every time I carry the baby, I would not want him near the baby at all.  

Many times, I told him to go away whenever he wants to come near me.  Mainly because I was afraid his ticks would jump on baby and he gets over-excited and push me over.

Today, when I see him, he doesn't greet me anymore.  I realised that I have become a bad owner in his eyes.  I didn't shower as much love as I should to him.  I told myself, my husband shower enough love for him already and I don't need to but how wrong was I.  When I looked at my dog's eyes today, I realised he is very sad.  I pat him and touch his head and I feel bad.

How many times we have ignore another living being while caring for another?  How many times we have taken another living being for granted with the excuse that we have to care for another?  How come we can't have love for everyone?  Why are we so selective with who to love?

Yesterday evening, after a long day at work and constant nitpicking by my boss, I went home feeling tired and unhappy.  My nephew was excited with his new whistle and he kept on blowing that in my face, which add on to my annoyance.  I squatted down on the floor and told my baby to come to me for a nice hug.  My nephew came first, while blowing the whistle, loud and disturbing.  I pushed him away and hugged my girl.  My nephew felt hurt and I saw it in his face.  He stopped his whistle and looked upset.  After I hugged my girl, I hugged him.  And he was happy again.

I asked myself, what's wrong with me?  Why am I showing different kind of love to these kids?  Yes, my nephew is not my kid, but he has been living with us since birth and I was close to him before my baby was born.  But why did I push him away?  Just like I push my dog away?  The same I am pushing my husband away?  All because I want to love baby and baby alone?

How come my heart is not great enough or open enough for everyone?  

It makes me think of my behaviour and also why others behave as such.  The world has so much of hatred and unknowingly, although I don't hate my nephew nor my dog, I show lack of love to them.  Yes, I have been very unhappy at work and I hardly have any time to spend with my baby.  Let alone spending time with myself, or my husband or my dog or my nephew.

I tried my best, on a daily basis, to play with my nephew, to teach my girl how to speak and at the same time, trying my best to take care and look after my husband and my dog.  But I neglect myself badly.  

So, why does a baby takes away so much of my time that I can't have time for anyone else?  I became selfish for my baby.  I kept on giving excuses that I can't join this event, that event because of baby.  Yes, I am extremely tired and fatigue and exhausted.

I want to give my best to my baby.  At the same time, I want to give my best to everyone else.  But I just can't.

I am sorry if I have hurt anyone in the process of being a mother.  I tried.  And I will try harder.