I am a bad mom

You know, from this blog, I tried to pride myself that I am a good mom.  I mean which parent doesn't want to be a good role model for their kids?  Which parent doesn't want the best out of their children?

When it comes to parenting, how to deal with kids and so on, the topic gets sensitive.  Some said ok to whack their kids.  Some said no.  Some said ok to punish their kids.  Some said no.  Some spoiled their kids with lots of presents.  Some doesn't spend time with their children.  Some said it's ok to vaccinate the children and some said no.  Some said ok for smart devices, some said no.  And all of these parents said their are doing it for their children, they know what is best for their own kids.

I was one of them.  I thought I know better than my parents.  Maybe some things which I disagreed with my parents when it comes to parenting, after going through the ordeal.

You know like some kids when they were young, were punished by being locked in a closet or room?  And when they grew up, they had a phobia and vowed not to do the same to their own kids?

For me, when I was young, my parents like to compare me with my sister, like, 'See how clever is your sister?  You are not good enough.'  Or 'See your sister is so good, but you are not.'

So, there was a lot of jealousy from my sister because she always thought that my parents were always on my side.  My parents intention was just to get my sister to be on par with me.  But of course, over the years, that intention was misinterpreted and for many years, my sister thought bad about me.

I didn't want the same to happen to my girl, although she doesn't have a sibling (yet).  But she is in the same house with her cousin (my nephew) and I can see the same trend happening as well.  So, I tried to level things off with my parents and reason with the kids. Hopefully, they don't have a lifetime grudge.

Childhood is very important, I feel.  It is the foundation years of a child, especially their mental and emotional state of mind.

But I failed.  I tried to be the best mom, but I failed.  I couldn't control my anger.  I was tired after spending whole day at work and come back home and see the mess and all that.  I whacked my girl hard.  I scolded her when she cried even harder.  I just don't know how to be a mom.

I won't say I am not loving.  I hugged and kissed her every night.  I am a full-time mom during the weekends.  I downloaded a lot of resources online on what food to cook for her during the weekends.  I researched on what activities, arts and craft to do with her.  I make busy book for her.  I bought her lots of books and sometimes read to her.  

Perhaps it's the terrible two stage.  Perhaps it's the keto diet that is making me very hot and frustrated all the time.  Perhaps because my period was super late (40 days) and I was all hot and bothered on top of PMS.  Perhaps no one in the house is helpful.  

All I wanted was some me-time.  I didn't ask for me-time like for few days.  Just that few hours.  Just me and my k-dramas and just be away about work, kids, keto or any activities.  I just want to relax and rest my brain and laugh my ass off.

But I took it out on my daughter.  When I tried to meditate, she decided it was time to throw tantrum.  When I tried to do my own thing and let her do her own, she decided tearing paper that is plastered with gold dust is fun on the bed and the whole bed, her hands and her face was full of gold dust.  When I tried to lie down on the bed to rest, she decided it was boobs time for her.  

Yes, lots of people told me they will want you now only.  So cherish every moment.  When they grew up, they will think you are a nuisance.  I am trying to cherish all these.  But at the same time, I am very tired.  I just asked for some help, like for the husband to massage her and he decided to sleep and she was reading on her own and not disturbing him one bit.  When her father tried to feed her and she refused, he gave up and it was so easy to give up.  But the girl needs to eat, so mom has to do the job.  Or when I told the father to spend some time playing with her, and next I saw he was on his phone and she was playing on her own.  Or when I told him to wash her bum and she decided to wear beautiful dress instead of pyjamas and threw tantrum and he just walked out.  The best part is, she has never disturbed him as much as she has disturbed me.

When I sat on the floor, she has to plop herself on my lap but not the father.  When she threw tantrum, I have to be the nasty person as the father can't be bothered and she ran to the father for comfort, so he became the good guy instead.  When at night he wants to sleep, he can just go to sleep and she won't bother him, instead she will insist on having the boob in her mouth when I am around.

I am very tired.  And I feel like a lousy mom.  I had this thought in my head when I am at work, that when I am at home, I want to read to her before bed, I want to play some things with her, I want to teach her some words, etc.  But when I am back home, it's a different story all together.

And yesterday I read somewhere that if we beat the kids, the kids will think it is ok for a bigger person to beat them and they might do the same to others, aka being big bullies.  I didn't think of that.  And when I reflected back my aunty's words that my cousin who have 5 kids never raise her hands on them, I felt very guilty.  I just couldn't control my anger.  I know I have instilled some fear in my girl, which wasn't my intention at all.

After beating her yesterday for messing the bed and laughing it off and then read about kids being bullied because parents beat them, I asked her for a big hug and she came and kissed me.  I said sorry and explained to her why I did what I did.  

Baby, Mommy is sorry.  Mommy is just very tired.