Judging another parent
My little girl is 17 months old today. She is sure growing up fast, from infant to toddler. It is so lovely to see her learning new things, finding out how to use her fingers and being curious about every single thing in the world.
But as much as I would like her to be as quiet when I needed her to be, I find that she is learning to be more independent herself and doesn't want to stick to mommy so much now, which in a way is a developmental progress. She is beginning to throw tantrums, doing things that will make an adult angry, say opening the cupboard and taking everything out and doesn't want to sit still during meal times.
So far, she has been quite well-behaved in crowds. She doesn't throw tantrums. She would sit quietly and observed people. She doesn't have reaction. She doesn't smile nor cry. Just sitting and watching. And she is comfortable with my friends. And anyone at all can carry her and take her for a walk. So many of my friends praised her for her behaviour and amazed that such a small kid can be so good. Of course, they were also comparing with other kids, like some would be pushing other kids around and being big bullies, and some will be crying for not getting what they want. These are kids my girl's age.
I feel blessed that my girl knows how to behave in public (so far and hoping this will continue). But at home, she also would be throwing tantrums and doing dangerous stunts and tearing books and climbing on chairs and eating food on the table and purposely doing something that I don't like just to test me and so on.
But she also know to pick up food that has fallen on the floor and throw into the dustbin. She knows not to bully or push anyone. She is loved and she learn to love others the same way. She will not snatch anyone's food without permission. She would wait for people to feed her instead. When I tell her to sit quietly in the bedroom, all on her own, while I go and take my shower, she would be sitting there and reading her book, quietly. So quiet until I have to check if she is ok. When I come out from the bathroom, she will put down her book and hand me my clothes to put on. Once I have my clothes on, she knew that it's time to nurse. She doesn't beat others. She is not rough. She share her toys. She share her food.
But I can't help it that my girl has reach the stage, where people would be comparing her with others. And I can't stopped them. And I don't want to be explaining to people that my girl is not as good as she is when she is at home. I don't want to put my girl down. At the same time, I don't want to be so arrogant about her good behaviour.
The thing is, I don't think I have done anything different from other parents that contributed to her good behaviour. I just feel it's the copy and paste behaviour at this stage that she learn from. And the biggest contribution is from my nephew. He is a good boy and has lots of love for his cousin sister. He would feed her and that's how she learn to feed others. He would play with her and she learn how to play with others. He would hug her and she does the same to others. He would invite her to his room to play and she would happily comply. He doesn't play rough with her. He would protect her from harm. He would 'sayang' her when she cries and wipe away her tears and she did the same for him. He loves to sing and she learn from him too. She would do anything that he does. Even though she may be a bit too small for her age to do things that he can do, say to stand on a stool to wash hands.
So, I am thankful that my nephew is a well-behaved boy and so she learn from him a lot.
I feel when a child misbehaved, say to raise his/her hands to beat others, it's because they might have seen an adult doing it to their sibling and they just copy and paste that. OK, not to mention that each child probably have their father or mother's genes in them. So, if either one is bad-tempered, probably the child can inherit that as well. I don't know, I am not a child psychiatrist.
I don't want to judge. This is just my first child and I have a long way to go as she is just 1 year old, but I am interested to watch how other parents behave and thus their child behave the same. And I learn to be a mother this way.
There is this mother with 3 kids, struggling each day to teach the kids well, to discipline them and to educate them properly. This mother is a full-time working mom and sole breadwinner for the family. Husband is a house husband who does all the cooking, chores and baby sitting. Father doesn't teach the kids properly even when comes to disciplining. He would either scold or beat. And because father is so busy with all the chores at home, he didn't have energy or time to discipline the youngest child. That child became out of control. This family would give the child an iPad or let him watch TV the whole day to keep him quiet, which he does. Otherwise, he runs and shouts and push others and you name it. They didn't send him to any child psychiatrist, but I think the boy has ADHD. This boy has lots of love in him but sometimes he just can't control his excitement. So, I was a little surprise when the mother judge another mother when that mother's kid of 2 year old start throwing tantrums. Probably saying it out of love, after what she went through. What I was more surprise is this. She would use her phone to show my girl photos after photos just to keep her quiet. Even when there was an activity going on and my girl became so engaged with the phone that she failed to notice her environment, where everyone was singing and dancing happily. I put a stop to it and made her hide the phone from my girl. And then I noticed she start to participate in the activities.
There is this mother with 5 kids. She is a stay-at-home mom and would spend all her time teaching her kids and disciplining them, very patiently. All her kids are so well-behaved and disciplined. She doesn't give them any smart devices and limit their time on the TV. She doesn't want them to be always fed with information. She home-schooled all 5 of them and taught them nature and things and no electronics. Her kids are all very smart and well-mannered. I am always amaze by her ability to so patiently shower all her kids with love and not losing her temper. She doesn't favour any kid, but treats everyone with the same respect and love. Of course, the father contributed too but I see the mother does more, since she is always with the kids. I am trying to learn from her.
There is this mother with 2 kids. She is also a stay-at home mom. The gap between these 2 kids is quite big. But I got closer to her after she has the 2nd kid and got to see how she teaches and disciplined her kid. Both kids are well-behaved. She talked to them gently and if they did something not nice, she would tell them off in a very respectful way. She spends a lot of time with her kids too and although she allows them to do what they want but she is also super careful about the kids injuring themselves. What more, the youngest was a preemie, so she is extra cautious. I noticed that this boy is so kind and doesn't play rough. He is scared when others play rough. Also doesn't allow too much electrical devices although showered with lots of toys.
There is this mother with 2 kids. She is a full-time working mom and depended on a helper to babysit the kids. The elder girl is a tough girl and would beat her little sister, probably saw someone does the same. The little sister became a tough one too and would beat and push others smaller than her, my girl for example. I saw each time the kid did something wrong, the parent would pick up the kid and kiss and hug them and said no. In a way I feel they encouraged the behaviour, but who am I to judge right. They are also strict about smart devices and no to any electronic devices. But still, the smaller kid would push, beat, slap, snatch, etc.
There is this mother with 2 kids. She is a full-time working mom and depended on a helper to babysit the kids. The elder girl is a tough girl and would beat her little sister, probably saw someone does the same. The little sister became a tough one too and would beat and push others smaller than her, my girl for example. I saw each time the kid did something wrong, the parent would pick up the kid and kiss and hug them and said no. In a way I feel they encouraged the behaviour, but who am I to judge right. They are also strict about smart devices and no to any electronic devices. But still, the smaller kid would push, beat, slap, snatch, etc.
Based on the above, my conclusion is, it's always better for the kids to have a stay-at-home mom. But some of us can't do that as it is not financially favourable. So most of the time full-time working mom have to depend on others when it comes to bringing up the kids. Like grandparents, helper, baby-sitter etc. And because we have no control over this, we have to just believe that our kids are in good hands. And we only have limited time to discipline the kids. But whatever it is, electronic devices should not be use to control them. That's my take to it.
Also, a kid will always copy and paste another person. Be it a parent or a sibling. So, if the sibling is taught well, then the kid will learn well. If the sibling is taught to always give in to the younger kid, the younger kid will learn that he/she is entitled to whatever he/she want while the elder kid will feel unfair that always have to give in to others. If the parent is smoking in front of the kids, the kids will think it's ok to smoke when they are older. Always show love instead of anger. Some kids like to see their sibling getting punish. Some parents like to encourage fair fight. Never encourage a kid to fight. Some parents like to compare the siblings and say things like, see how good your sister is. This encourages jealousy and competition. This is just my 2 cents.
Just to add on, for the past few weeks, a lot of netizens has been very angry with the bullies that caused death to 2 teenagers, in 2 separate incidents. The bullies themselves are also teenagers but full of anger and I truly believed, they never thought of the consequences when they started physically bullying the 2 so-called friends. I believed that at the time when they were bullying, they thought they were being righteous and trying to do justice on their own. They thought they were the good guys, trying to find the thief who stole a laptop or trying to make another boy to be a man. They thought they were heroes.
But I don't agree when netizens start saying things to the parents, like to abort the child when in the womb, if they knew they will grow up to be such horrible people. I think it all comes back to upbringing. These kids were once upon a time a baby and very cute too. Yes, the kids did wrong. They killed another kid. I also feel the parents should be responsible too because their behaviour start at home. And coupled by peer pressure. It's also influence from TV and social media. Everyone think they are being righteous, even a racist.
Even good TV programs like CSI have a tendency of showing others how to bully and murder. Tamil films always show the good guys beating up the bad guys. But who are we to say who is good and who is bad? These bullies thought they were the good guys. They thought they were the heroes by putting things right. It's discretion that is lacking.
Just to add on, for the past few weeks, a lot of netizens has been very angry with the bullies that caused death to 2 teenagers, in 2 separate incidents. The bullies themselves are also teenagers but full of anger and I truly believed, they never thought of the consequences when they started physically bullying the 2 so-called friends. I believed that at the time when they were bullying, they thought they were being righteous and trying to do justice on their own. They thought they were the good guys, trying to find the thief who stole a laptop or trying to make another boy to be a man. They thought they were heroes.
But I don't agree when netizens start saying things to the parents, like to abort the child when in the womb, if they knew they will grow up to be such horrible people. I think it all comes back to upbringing. These kids were once upon a time a baby and very cute too. Yes, the kids did wrong. They killed another kid. I also feel the parents should be responsible too because their behaviour start at home. And coupled by peer pressure. It's also influence from TV and social media. Everyone think they are being righteous, even a racist.
Even good TV programs like CSI have a tendency of showing others how to bully and murder. Tamil films always show the good guys beating up the bad guys. But who are we to say who is good and who is bad? These bullies thought they were the good guys. They thought they were the heroes by putting things right. It's discretion that is lacking.
Before we judge another parent, let's try to understand them. Be in their shoes. I won't say that the parents are not guilty, in fact I would like it if the parents themselves also get punishment. The parents should be responsible too. Did these parents taught their child how to love? I don't know.
I would like to share with you my experience of being a victim to a bully when I was in primary school. I have befriended this group of friends and my best friend also in this group. We have a leader in the group, solely because she is the biggest in term of size compared to the rest of us. I was the smallest in size. During good times, we would eat together, play together, study together. During bad times, I would be unfriended and discarded from the group. I would receive little messages in small piece of paper, all folded up and pass from one to another telling me that the group have unfriended me because..... The reasons varied. It could be because I talked to a boy. It could be because they thought I was very arrogant. It could be because I was got good marks and the leader was jealous although she never said it. I felt lonely and unhappy during those times. Ostracized and suddenly all my friends, even my best friend would refused to talk to me and pretended that I was a stranger or better still invisible. Sometimes they would say things like, who is talking? I can't see or hear that person. It hurts so much that till today, 20 years down the road, I could still remember this part of my life. Although what I went through is nothing compared to the victim who was killed, this is also a kind of bully, the verbal kind.
I could see that every time the leader initiated this, the other friends in the group would reluctantly obliged. Peer pressure. They didn't want to be left out in the group. They didn't want to be unfriended for no reason.
Slowly I found out that the leader lives just a couple of houses down the road. My mom got to know her mom. And then I found that her mother is always so proud of her daughter that she would praised her non-stop. My mom on the other hand, would just agree with her and put me down and said things like I can't be compared to her.
So, it's because of jealousy. The mother praised her so much that the girl can't see anything wrong with herself. She thought she was superior to others. She thought she has the right to do anything to others because the mother can never see anything that is bad about her. No wonder the girl behaved that way. It all started at home.
When I got straight A's for my UPSR, the girl can't take it anymore. She tried to unfriend me but can't because there are also friends in the group who got straight As. So can't just unfriend one and friend the other. Not fair. But she was so unhappy and upset that I got straight A's when she got only 2 A's and 1 B and 1 C. She just doesn't understand how come I can be better than her. I didn't care anymore if she friend or unfriend me. It was over. Eventually I was transferred to another school different from the gang and although at first I was unhappy about it, it was actually a blessing in disguise. I was no longer in the shadow of the group or that leader. However, since my mom still know her mom, the mom would still compare us and kept on telling us how great her daughter is.
So, you see, this is just my example. And yes, the parent influences her to behave that way.
Since this is a super sensitive topic, comments are off. These are purely my opinions and I am not a child therapist or what. I am just a mother to a 1 year old and I hope I can be a good mother who can shower more love and show my girl compassion so that she learn that and treat others the same.
I would like to share with you my experience of being a victim to a bully when I was in primary school. I have befriended this group of friends and my best friend also in this group. We have a leader in the group, solely because she is the biggest in term of size compared to the rest of us. I was the smallest in size. During good times, we would eat together, play together, study together. During bad times, I would be unfriended and discarded from the group. I would receive little messages in small piece of paper, all folded up and pass from one to another telling me that the group have unfriended me because..... The reasons varied. It could be because I talked to a boy. It could be because they thought I was very arrogant. It could be because I was got good marks and the leader was jealous although she never said it. I felt lonely and unhappy during those times. Ostracized and suddenly all my friends, even my best friend would refused to talk to me and pretended that I was a stranger or better still invisible. Sometimes they would say things like, who is talking? I can't see or hear that person. It hurts so much that till today, 20 years down the road, I could still remember this part of my life. Although what I went through is nothing compared to the victim who was killed, this is also a kind of bully, the verbal kind.
I could see that every time the leader initiated this, the other friends in the group would reluctantly obliged. Peer pressure. They didn't want to be left out in the group. They didn't want to be unfriended for no reason.
Slowly I found out that the leader lives just a couple of houses down the road. My mom got to know her mom. And then I found that her mother is always so proud of her daughter that she would praised her non-stop. My mom on the other hand, would just agree with her and put me down and said things like I can't be compared to her.
So, it's because of jealousy. The mother praised her so much that the girl can't see anything wrong with herself. She thought she was superior to others. She thought she has the right to do anything to others because the mother can never see anything that is bad about her. No wonder the girl behaved that way. It all started at home.
When I got straight A's for my UPSR, the girl can't take it anymore. She tried to unfriend me but can't because there are also friends in the group who got straight As. So can't just unfriend one and friend the other. Not fair. But she was so unhappy and upset that I got straight A's when she got only 2 A's and 1 B and 1 C. She just doesn't understand how come I can be better than her. I didn't care anymore if she friend or unfriend me. It was over. Eventually I was transferred to another school different from the gang and although at first I was unhappy about it, it was actually a blessing in disguise. I was no longer in the shadow of the group or that leader. However, since my mom still know her mom, the mom would still compare us and kept on telling us how great her daughter is.
So, you see, this is just my example. And yes, the parent influences her to behave that way.
Since this is a super sensitive topic, comments are off. These are purely my opinions and I am not a child therapist or what. I am just a mother to a 1 year old and I hope I can be a good mother who can shower more love and show my girl compassion so that she learn that and treat others the same.