Is this all to life?

As I was driving to work today, lots of thoughts were appearing in my mind.  I can't help but to wonder, if this is all to life?  I mean, waking up on a Monday morning and fight the traffic to work and then fight for parking spaces and then tolerate the nonsense at work and then fight the traffic back home, only to have this repeated for another 4 days.  

I do this because I need the dough for my day-to-day living expenses.  And now with a baby in tow, it's even more expenses.  But is this all worth it?

I can't say I am entirely happy at work.  I do enjoy what I am doing at the moment.  No monthly reporting.  No rushing for deadlines.  Just project basis.  But I feel the lack of life.  

And to add on to pumping 3 times at work.  On one hand, I feel thankful for management to give me this flexibility.  On another hand, I feel so exhausted having to live my life around the pump.  And that also not producing a satisfying yield.  Each pump session, I get between 1.5 to 4oz.  And she is now drinking 4oz every feeding.  In the fridge, left with 1 day supply only.  Sooner or later, I have no choice but to supplement with formula, something that I hope I don't have to do.  As it is, everything is so expensive.  Formula is not ideal at the moment.

The only thing that I feel grateful and joyful is when I look at my baby's face.  The smile that she gave when she is happy.  The look when she saw me.  Her needing me.  I feel so important.  

I do envy moms who stay at home and look after the kids full time.  Yes, I do envy you all.  I wish I can do the same and not let others look after my kid.  Like my parents would put her in the sarong and rock her to sleep and let the sarong goes rocking up and down (electric) continuously.  I am so afraid of the effects on her brain.  They do it because she cries excessively.  Most of the time is because she is so needy.  They won't stop or else she will wake up the moment it stop.  

They also feed her in front of the TV and let her watch TV, which is something that I don't want to do.  Yes, I heard autism comes from too much TV and electronic devices.  Even when I am feeding her in front of my iPad, I make sure her face is towards me and not the iPad.

But I can't say much.  Because I am not around her most of the day time.  And night time I will be pumping away.  But at least DH is there to look after her.  

So, what is life?  To leave my child at home and go to work to earn some dough?  To suffer through work to earn the dough?  To let others look after my child but not to my requirements?  And I can't control what happen at home because I am not there?

There must be something more to life than this.  I am not even asking for vacation.  I just want to spend more time with baby and make sure she grows up well.  Now, I can only surrender to the Divine to please look after Her child while I get through this day-to-day work life.  Even that, I pray to the Divine to please take it over from me.  

On top of that, there are family members who are like a time bomb that can explode anytime on anything.  Doesn't even bother who they attack.  Just as long as there is someone to be attacked.  

A friend visited me and now she is driving a huge and expensive car.  She is a stay-at-home-mom for 2 boys.  She enjoyed driving her sons everywhere, to school, tuition, extra classes and at the same time do all the chores at home, cook, wash, laundry, etc.  Busy as she can be, but happy as ever.  No need to worry about expenses.  She don't even have any breastfeeding problems and happily nurse in public wherever she goes.

How can our lives be so different?  Here we are struggling pay-cheque to pay-cheque.  I won't say we don't have enough.  But I wish we have a little bit more.  Just like I wish I have a little bit more breast milk to satisfy my baby's needs.  I would love to change my car and get a bigger one for family usage.  But that also I can't afford now.

It's so depressing to be like this on a day-to-day basis.  And I can't be unhappy because that affect my milk supply.  I can't be stress either.  I just hope this is only temporary.  

I am sure Divine has a way in everything.  I am sure something good will happen soon.  I just need to be patient.

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