Just Between Lovers

Ever since Goblin ended, I have yet to find a Korean drama that sticks and memorable.  Was on a slum for a few months, watching bits of past dramas recommended by netizens.  I kinda like Because This Is My First Life, but it's not as good as Goblin.  

So, while waiting for Black Knight's episodes to come, I was reading recaps and review of netizens to see what other K-drama I should be watching or K-drama that I have been missing.

Just Between Lovers was a clear favourite.  So, I decided to jump in and watch.  Unfortunately, I can't find myself liking this or loving it.  Sure, it is a melodrama, not a comedy like Goblin and not a rom-com like BTIMFL.  But there is something about it that makes me reluctant to continue but at the same time, trying to appreciate it like the other netizens.

The more I watched it, the more hurtful I felt, the past, the pain, the regret came up.  I felt as if I was one of the characters and I could feel the way they felt.  And I can't help it.

I have this bad habit that I would always imagine what would happened if I was one of the family members of someone who was struck by tragedy.  Crazy as you call it.  And when tragedy struck, I read about it and research about it a lot, in order to find out the reason why it happened and who is responsible for it and why it happened.  I always want to know the why because I believe everything happened for a reason.  I am sure tragedy too, happened for a reason.  

We always believed that tragedy only happened to others, especially when you read it up in newspaper.  Until the day that you see your name in the newspaper, you would realise that tragedy can happened to anyone, anytime, anywhere.  

Why am I like this?  

I lost someone dear, just a week after celebrated my 21st birthday.  Though it wasn't a tragedy like collapse building or plane crash, but she died in a freak, tragic car accident.  It was so freak and tragic that all of us cannot comprehend how and why it had happened.  Collapse building can be the fault of architects and building owners.  Plane crash could be from pilot error or bad weather.  But she died in vain because she was driving her car in her own lane within the speed limit and a truck from the opposite lane which had a punctured tire, lost control and came into her lane and crashed head-on.  She had no chance of escape and died on the spot.  It was tragic and ugly.

A week before this accident, I was happily celebrating my 21st birthday.  Since this birthday is like a huge birthday celebration, I celebrated at different times with different people.  A day with my secondary school friends, another day with some relatives, another day with my own family members.  I was planning to call my cousin, June to ask her out to celebrate but I remembered that day, I woke up late as I was partying late the night before to celebrate my birthday with my group of friends.  I didn't invite her because I thought she would be uncomfortable with my friends.  But I didn't call her either.  My birthday passed and I still haven't gotten a chance to call her.  Busy with classes and partying and celebrating.  

On that faithful day, I woke up late and had nasi lemak which my parents had bought for me.  A phone call rang and I picked it up.  It was my uncle.  "June had died."  I was quiet at first and he repeated the words.  I suddenly find myself sobbing in front of the phone.  He continued, "Please inform your parents."  He said it too calmly that I thought it was a joke.  But how can someone joke about his own daughter's death?  My dad saw me in such a state and asked what's wrong and sobbingly I told him.  I wasn't sure what to do next as I saw my dad was in shock and angry.  I called my mom who was at work and sobbing away told her the news.  She came back home straight.

The events that follow were unbelievable.  Something that I would have never thought that I need to do in this lifetime.  Her mom and brother went to identified the body at the scene of the accident and then my family went to their house to check what happened.  I was crying uncontrollably as I entered their house, into her room, where we had spent a good amount of time with sleepovers, games, stories, gossips and so on.  There, her mom chose a dress to put on her.  She was calm as well.  I guess the shock haven't sunk in like it had hit me.

Soon, we were at the hospital to collect the body.  I even went into the mortuary as I wanted to see her the very last time.  She was not what I had seen before, details I will spare.  After that she was pushed out on a metal trolley bed with a white cloth covering her.  All I could see was her bare feet, dangling in front of her long legs, moved as the wheels of the trolley bumped.  I cried again.  How I wished it was unreal and that she would wake up and talk to me.  How I wished it was a dream.

We followed the body to the funeral parlour where she was bathed, dressed, makeup, put into a coffin and prepared for the wake.  I was still crying.

Since there was no one else to lead the wake as the Chinese believed someone older cannot participate and only someone younger has to do it, I volunteered.  There was no one else.  She was the youngest in her family.  And I am a year younger than her.

Soon, days passed, wake was over, she was sent to the crematorium and turned into ashes.  I was still crying.  For 3 days, I hardly ate and drank and only cried.  So much so that after everything was over, I sat at the crematorium, staring at the bright, blue sky and asked in my heart, "Why?"  

No one could answer me.  Relatives saw me and only offered condolences and told me to be happy that she is at a better place.  But none of that comforted me.  

Days and months passed, I was suffering and mourning.  I just can't understand why it had happened.  While I don't blame myself, I had a big regret.  I regretted not celebrating my birthday with her when I could.  I regretted not calling her.  Now I can never call her or talk to her.  It hurts.

For many years, I suffered in silence.  If possible, I didn't want to visit the columbarium, the place where I have placed her ashes in an urn.  I just didn't want to visit my aunt and cried with her.  I didn't want to talk about it.  Most of all, I didn't want to celebrate my birthday anymore.  

Until I met a friend and turned to spirituality and we talked about it and she told me to surrender and let her go.  As cruel as it seems to me at that time, I put all our photos into the river.  I just need to let it go and live on without her.  And after about 5 years, I finally able to let go completely.  Unfortunately, her family members were unable to let go, even till today.

Watching the drama and the characters, reminded me of this incident, where I was feeling depressed and unhappy and don't know where to express my feelings.  Eventually, I found the reason of why it happened, which I won't be sharing here.  It was enough to give me peace in my heart.  

Because of this, I always want to find out reasons of why tragic accidents happened.  I tried to understand the people behind it.  Like 9/11, etc.  I would read and read and read about it until I find the reason why.

The drama is very real and good, so real that it hurts the ones that were left behind.  I can't imagine the feelings of the family members of the victim of the Sampoong Department Store collapse, which I feel this drama is talking about.  Watching the drama, is like reminiscing the whole incident again, something which many wouldn't want to go through again.

Netizens probably are not aware of the Sampoong Department Store collapse that happened in 1995.  I knew about it before this drama.  How?  Because I was reading about South Korean tragedies and found about it.  It was truly an unfortunate tragedy that happened due to greed and corruption and human error.  The drama highlights the feelings of the people that were affected by the tragedy, especially the victims who survived, the family members of the corrupted directors that caused the tragedy to happened and how they have to continue living with shame and regret, just because they are family.

Call me weird but I find it healing to read about tragedies and the reasons behind it.  Because this drama is so slow and the actors were very good at portraying the feelings, their regret, their pain, their fear, I find all my hidden feelings coming out and it wasn't pleasant.  

I do not want to go through that day when I received that phone call from my uncle.  I do not want to be reminded of everything that happened afterwards.

But as you can read above, it was so memorable and stuck in my memory as I can still write it out now as if it happened yesterday, though it happened 18 years ago.  

Anyway, I will continue to watch the drama to see how it ends, just to get the answer for my question, Why?  But in the meantime, I have to be strong to watch it objectively, without all the other feelings about myself.  I like Junho after watching his performance in Chief Kim.  I think he is a good actor.

Because of this incident that left a deep mark in my heart, a scar as I called it, I give my best to the ones living as I don't want to have another regret again.  And grateful for being alive, being here and I told myself, I will live the life that she left behind, though I can't be like her, but I will continue living for her.  And now that I am a mom, there are more reasons for me to live with no regrets.