My baby's actions make me reviewed my own actions

Few days ago, I was having runny nose.  Naturally, I took tissue to blow my nose.  As always, since my girl has been playing on her own most of the time, I didn't noticed that she was paying attention.

You see, after coming back from work, I am very exhausted and tired.  Lately, work has been so busy that I can't even have some time to do my own things on the internet.  So, when I am back, I like to immersed myself with my k-dramas.  I was doing this as I breastfed her, pumped milk and sometimes after breastfeeding, I just continue watching while I let her be on her own and do her own things.

Then it dawned upon me that I am neglecting her.  Because I see her coming to me for attention, climbing all over me, kissing me (or rather biting me), and likes to come and touch my iPad.  I just put her away as I continued with my k-drama.  And she kept coming back.

When younger, she probably doesn't do much of this attention-seeking actions.  But as she is turning 1 soon, I can see this happening more often, especially with me.  And I get very irritated because I can't even go to the toilet without her knocking on my door and crying as if I left her behind.  And she doesn't even want the father.  She sticks to me like a glue.  And she gets very upset when I scolds her.

Yes, I am a tiger mom.  Last night she pinched me until my skin came out while we were about to fall asleep.  Naturally I jumped out of pain and reacted and scolded and beat her legs.  She cried so hard and pitifully and although her father tries to calm her down, she refuses and still wants the bad mommy who beat her.  Sigh.  I managed to calm her but she was shaky the whole night through, crying whenever the nipple is out of her mouth.  That insecure she became.

Anyway, back to the tissue story.  As usual, last night, I let her roamed the room on her own and explore things.  She found a packet of tissue from one of the bags and took it out.  Then she took the tissue out.  And she held it close to her nose and started blowing her nose.  I had such a good laugh watching her because I never thought she can imitate my actions so closely.  But after the laughter died, I start to think about my actions.  This girl is imitating all my actions.  If I keep on watching iPad, then she would want to watch too.  And I told myself no iPad for her until maybe much much older.  And if I keep on neglecting her, she would feel even more insecure.

It made me rethink my actions.  Yes, I am tired after a long day at work and would like to entertain myself too with my k-dramas.  But I think I have to limit it to only when I am breastfeeding or only when I am pumping.  Otherwise, I think I should give her full attention.

It's not too late.  My resolution is when she turns 1, I will give her more attention to do the things she wants.  But also will discipline her when need to.  I also would like her to sleep earlier.  She waits for me to sleep, sometimes at 12am only.  I should go to bed earlier too.

But her actions truly made me reviewed mine.  I truly believe that children became what they become because of the upbringing at home.  

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