Happy April's Fool Day!

Hello!  I haven't written since January 2019.  Lots had happened, mostly exciting.  Because of that 1 week holiday that I took to go China with the family, there was so much of backlog to do till today.  

Today's post is all about my inner being, what's in my heart.  

Past few days, I was feeling a bit down.  Got my letter of increment and found that the increase was quite disappointing.  Not that it was different from other years.  It has always been 5%.  But somehow, this year, I felt different.

Since January, I feel my pay is way below what I deserved.  The company had refused to promote us simply because there are too many managers at the moment and promoting me means they have to promote the others same level as me.  My last promotion was in 2012.  So working for 7 years and no promotion since then.

But, my job scope is the work of a manager.  I mean, who else can review the work of another manager if not a manager itself, right?  But my title tells me I am not a manager.  And because I am between an Asst Manager and a Manager, my job scope ranges from issuing receipts, payment vouchers to reviewing manager's work, automate our accounting work, reports, analysis, etc.  After so many years, I feel I am being taken for granted.  They are not hiring new staff and not promoting either.  Perhaps because I will be reaching 10 year working here, they think that I won't leave?  Therefore they can give me whatever they want and I will still be here?

What really upset me was when I see friends my age, all are a different level now.  Some are even Directors.  So what went wrong with my career?

Over the weekend, I thought long and hard.  I spent some time with my girl and decided to do something with my life.  Will be reaching the big Four Zero soon and I think I should do something meaningful and not feel so dissatisfied with my life right now.  I mean 40 is the new 20 right?  And life begins at 40 right?

So what went wrong?  Initially I was thinking what actually went wrong.  But rather than that, I would rather think that it was a journey instead of something went wrong.  Perhaps my journey was different because I was a coward and was fearful of the uncertainty and risks.  I have always prefer to take the safer route.  But that means the benefits are lesser.

I grew up always fearing.  I was brought up like that.  My dad is always fearful of something or the other.  Like when we were children, he refused to allow my uncles to take us to the nice park to play.  Simply because he was afraid that we will be lost.  So I watched my cousins went in a big group, while me and my sister stayed at home with my aunty.  And they always came back with lots of fun, active, happy and all in one piece.

So, I grew up thinking that my dad always prefer to practise safety first.  But now that I am a mother of my own, I would think that this is a fear that prevented us from doing something bigger, from venturing into the unknown, from trying things we never knew we can.

I grew up with that fear, thinking I was playing safe.  After Form 5, I had no idea what I want to study.  My mom told me that she can afford only one of us to go overseas and I have decided that it should be my sister.  No idea why I thought like that.  Then my sister also decided not to go overseas.  So none of us went.

After talking to an accountant aunt and uncle, I just decided that ok, I will study accounting then.  Just because I score that subject the highest in SPM and that I do like the debit and credit and balancing the accounts.  Besides, it was a safer route.  

At the same time, I was interested in Computer Studies.  But my parents think there is no future then.  And we were told that which company doesn't want an accounting person.  And everyone agrees.  You are never short of job in accounting.  It's just whether you can go any higher.

It took me 10 years to get my professional degree.  Because the exams was so tough, I almost gave up one time and was thinking if it was too late to go back to Computer Studies.  That time I was already in my mid 20s and lots of my friends already graduated.

I decided to be persistent and hang on to my studies, while working full-time and studying part-time.  

The first proper job I have was in a software company.  After working for 3 years, found that my finance director could not sign off my work experience because she is not professionally qualified and not registered with any institute or association.  

So force with no choice, I decided to go into audit firm, a place that I was reluctant to go as I heard a lot of scary stories about stress, work till midnight, etc.  

Since I don't have a proper degree and was just holding a Diploma in hand, none of the Big 4 wanted me.  Besides, I was very fearful to go into any Big 4 and felt that I wasn't qualified enough.  So, I took the safer route again, and went into a medium size firm.

The time I spent in this firm was one of my most memorable working experience.  Because all of us were around the same age, studying part-time and having the same knowledge, we clicked.  After getting my professional certificate and work experience for 3 years, it was finally time for me to leave.

And I went to my current job and am here for 9 years now.

What I like working here is the environment.  The premise is huge and you can never be stuck in a small place or cubicle.  Lots of people to meet.  Colleagues are very friendly and sometimes helpful.  

What I dislike was the boss.  

So basically, I stuck here for so many years and refused to leave simply because I felt that I had a future here.  The benefits were ok.  But after few years, they don't value us as much as we think they should.  Not sure if it's the same everywhere.  Or whether this is the dog eat dog world where you have to kill each other to top the other one.

Anyway, I think I am ready to venture out of my comfort zone.  I really don't know.  Of course I am fearful.  I have 2 home loans and it will be a risk to start somewhere new.

I am always a tad bit slower than my peers.  In everything in life.  From studies, to work, to marriage, to children.  Always one step behind.

When I was studying, I refused to have a boyfriend simply because my mom told me that it would affect my studies.  Few woo-ed me and did went out with one and was heart-broken and decided to stop going out from then on and just concentrate in my studies.

At work, got involve in some complicated relationship and decided it was too difficult.  Was fearful to continue and also fearful to let go.  Was so lost and eventually decided to let go once and for all.

When I was in my 30s, I still yet to have a boyfriend and was thinking if that is the rest of my life.  Wasn't satisfied but at the same time wasn't able to find someone.  Eventually, met and marry my husband when I was 33, when all my peers were already happily married in their late 20s.

Tried so hard to conceive and finally gave birth when I was 36.  I was already an older mother when my peers had like 2 kids by then.  

So, now that I am touching 40, I was thinking if I should try for a 2nd child?  But ...fear sets in again.  What if the quality of my ovum and his sperm is not good since we are older now?  What if our child is not normal?  How to manage 2 kids below the age of 5 at our age?  Can the breastfeeding struggles be easier?

After much thought, decided to forget about it.  One healthy and smart child is good for us.  But can't help to think that our only child is lonely sometimes when she kept asking me to play with her since she can't play with anyone else.

So, please don't let fear take over your life.  Calculate the risk and take flight.  I am going to try to be braver to face what is in front of me and accept the consequences.  How?  I don't really know yet.  Feeling dizzy from all the thinking.  

Did I regret?  I sure did.  I regretted not studying computer studies.  I think I would be happier then?  Because now I want to get involved into accounting and computing together but can't seem to combine them both.  Hopefully an idea would come to me soon.