Welcome to motherhood

So our girl finally arrived after 9 months of pregnancy.  She is 2.99kg, perfect and have long fingernails now.  

I tried breastfeeding for the very first time and not very successful.  I think because of the epidural, in which I was to fast and have not eaten since my last meal at dinner, 27 Jan 2016, I was so dry inside.  No wonder many said to avoid epidural.

After latching the little one for 2 hours, yes, she refused to sleep and still suckle, I gave up.  My nipples were sore, she was exhausted from suckling and I was tired.  Coz she was still hungry, can hear her stomach growling and my milk has not kick in no matter how I squeeze my breasts.  Not even colostrum.  She was so frustrated and crying buckets and that's when I then decided to give her formula but will continue with breastfeeding.  Hope she prefers my nipples than the bottle.

I also told the nursery to let her rest there for the night and take formula when she is hungry.  At least I get some sleep for now.  I have earlier requested for single bed room but not available. So can't do much without my husband.  Besides, because of the induce drip, my left hand was poked and ObGyn refused to take it out, in case I have fever or what.  It was difficult to carry the little one like this.  And on top of that, because of the stitches, I cannot sit long breastfeeding her.  Hope can discharge soon and get comfortable with our surrounding.  No wonder many said to avoid induce and stitches.  Now I know.

Then the most difficult 5 days of my life came.  I never knew it can be this difficult.  I have always prep myself, thinking I can be a good mother and that I knew motherhood was difficult but I think I can do it, since so many has done it.  But I failed for the first 5 days after delivery.

The first few days, when my milk is not in yet, I told myself, every suckle is colostrum.  She would latched on for hours,  take my breasts like a pacifier and would make a lot of noise and cried.  The older people in our household then told me it's because she is hungry.  I doubted it since she is still so new to this world and I read she had enough while in the womb.  But eventually, her crying was so painful to me, I made a very bad decision; I gave her the bottle of formula.

Because I was so weak from the delivery, I couldn't do so many things myself, including looking after her.  I let the elders took care of her while I took care of myself.  I let them continuously feed her with bottle and formula.  I thought to myself, once I get my energy back, I will breastfeed her again.  But each time I see the bottle to her little mouth, I hurt so badly inside.  

I have wanted so much to breastfeed, because it's the best food for her, for now.  But I just couldn't.  By day 4, my milk kicked in.  Unfortunately, by now, she rejects me, like I have rejected her.  The pain in my heart was so bad that only a mother would know what I mean.  I tried to let her suckle while sleeping, she cried like I have killed someone.  She refused my breasts as pacifier which she was loving it at first.  I cried even more seeing her rejecting me, like I am the worse mother in the world.  What's not helping are friends and family members who told me that I should not have given her the bottle.  I know I made a mistake and regretted big time.  

By now, my breasts became engorged but unable to let the milk out as baby refuses to help me.  Tried as I might during each feeding, but to no avail.  The elders began to understand the harsh reality of bottle feeding and kept encouraging me, but I was so dejected.  Then my breast became so swollen, like almost gonna get mastitis, that's when I got my sister to help me to push the milk out and unblock the ducts.  I don't care now who sees my breasts as long as they can help me.  I was crying each time, in physical pain and emotional pain.

Out of desperation, I quickly paid one of the breast consultants on Facebook.  But she can't help me via online consultation.  I tried to pump, but so little milk came out.  I was determined not to give up and would want her to accept me again.  

Day 5, was day of her review with her paed.  Dr Nazrul was very kind and friendly and asked me if I have problems at home with feeding.  Immediately, I told him the story and asked if there is any lactation consultant at Sunway Medical Centre.  Immediately, he hooked me up with Sister Tham.  She came and helped me with the latching and taught me the secret to get baby to accept my breasts again. It's to rub some leftover formula on my nipples and areola.  She suckled like a champion with just few tries.  I was delighted and happy that my baby accept me again.

Sister Tham also helped to explain very carefully each steps and said there is always hope.  Baby will continue to breastfeed, don't worry.  I tried again, unlatching her and relatch her and again she took the breasts like a pro, suckled and suckled.  I was so happy, that I almost kiss Sister Tham.

Apparently, there is a breastfeeding helpline for babies born in Sunway Medical Center and the number was on baby's record card, but I overlooked and thought only Pantai Hospital had lactation consultant.  How wrong was I.  The consultation is free and I learned so much from that short session.  My job now is to work hard by reducing the bottle and let her latch more.  Eventually she would accept my breasts again.  I also need to power pump to get my supply up.  I am so happy beyond words when I see her suckled at my breasts once more.  

It's hard work now.  But will work hard to make a difference.  

My DH was right.  This journey of motherhood is not easy but God always have a plan for everyone.  I doubted so much eventhough I kept getting reassurance.  You see, the formula milk helped to bring baby's jaundice down and her weight up, cleared of the meconium and bring yellow poo.  She is growing well, despite no breastmilk given.  But of course, would have been better with breastmilk.

No matter how much I have researched on the internet, or how many brastfeeding books I have read, the theory and practical aspects are very different.  I wish someone have told me in layman's term these things:

1) That upon delivery, you will not be able to see any mlk yet, just colostrum and no matter how much you squeeze your breasts or expressed, you may or may not see colostrum, especially if you are a first time mom.  But believe that you have it and baby is getting them from you.

2) Depending on how traumatic the delivery, the later will be your milk production.  Usually, milk kicks in on Day 3-7 upon the delivery of the placenta.  But if you have loss lots of blood or very difficult labour, or having too much medication, your milk will be delayed.  Mine came in on Day 4.

3) Every single day after delivery is calculated by the hour.  When your baby fusses, you have to feed.  When baby cries, you have to check diaper or that she is hungry or just being demanding.  To me, every day was dreading because my milk didn't come in fast enough.

4) The first few days before your milk comes in, believe that your baby is getting enough by suckling you.  Baby's stomach is very small and they don't need much.  Giving formula and determining their portion will only change your baby's appetite.  Once you start giving formula, baby not only have nipple confusion but also taste confusion.  Formula has stronger smell and taste compared to breast milk.  Also, by giving the bottle, babies who are very impatient like mine would love it because their fast trickle of milk compared to breasts where they have to stimulate before getting anything.

5) Once your milk kicks in, you may be engorged and it can be painful.  Your milk ducts may be blocked if you have not clean them properly prior to feeding.  Try massaging them.

6) When all things failed, get help from a lactation consultant.

7) If you are a first time mom, you will feel overwhelmed by so many new changes all of a sudden.  No matter how much you were prepared for it, you will only be tested when the time comes.  Don't be too hard on yourself or your may develop a case of post-partum depression.  Just concentrate on yourself and baby, forget everyone else.  You need good husband support.

8) This is only the beginning.  There are more to come.