I want to cry

I really want to give up on breastfeeding.  I am trying too hard and yet I feel it's not enough.  I am giving myself a lot of pressure and forcing myself.  But I still persevere.  I just want to give her breast milk at least minimum 6 months and max 10 months.  It's barely 3 months and here I am struggling.  I feel like crying out loud because I feel no one understand.  Even if they do, they can't do anything to help me.

I have to pump on schedule to keep my supply up.  I have to pump at 7am, 9am, 1pm, 5pm, 7pm, 9pm, 11pm.  As it is, I have already missed some pumps because I have to go out or was late or just plain too tired.

I will direct latch her throughout the night so that I can get some sleep.

I wake up at 6am, but sometimes, I am too tired to wake up and ended up overslept.  This whole week, I have been late for work because I added the extra pumping hours.

I saw an increase in supply by doing this.  But it's still not enough for her demand.  I am seriously struggling.  

My whole day yield is barely 14oz and I found out yesterday, now she is taking 17.5oz.  That means 5 bottles of 3.5oz, while I am at work.

Many moms who saw my struggles told me that it's ok to give her formula.  But I am very stubborn.

The parking lots at my workplace is full by 8.30am.  So, I have to park further.  So far that it requires a shuttle to bring us from the parking lot to office.  But only in the morning.

I have to lug my breast pump and parts to work.  I have to bring food to work.  Imagine the bags that I have to bring.  And the long walk.

Because I have added the pumping session, I hardly have time to spend with my baby.  Every time I pump, I need someone to look after her.  Sure, I can do tandem pumping.  But that means I won't have enough to keep for her.

So everyday, I feel like a zombie.  Hardly anytime for anything.  Even if I want to buy something that is urgent, I have to rush out so that I can be back for the next pumping session.

I am driving myself insane.  But I really do want to give her the best.

I just need to be slightly oversupply.  So that I can keep enough stock for her and not worry about pumping so much every single day.

This whole week, things seem to be upside down.  Nothing seems to work as per my plan.

Monday - After work, send DH to physiotherapist.  He sprained his ankle 2 months back and now only getting treatment.  So, I missed 1 pumping session.  By the time I came back, shower, pump, it was already midnight.

Tuesday - After work, need to rush out to buy ice pack as my existing ice pack doesn't last very long.  Missed 1 pumping session and same as Monday.

Wednesday - I have arranged all the FBM in front and put the fresh chilled breast milk at the back.  FBM in pink bottles while fresh in white bottles.  Already told my parents to give her FBM first.  If really not enough, then fresh BM.  When I came back, saw they have used up 2 bottles of fresh milk and left 2 bottles of FBM in the fridge.  That 2 bottles need to be finished up in 24 hours and so my baby ended up drinking those instead of tandem feed.  Missed 1 pumping session because too tired.

Today - I really hope I can follow the schedule that I have prepared.  But I am thinking I might miss 1 session again.  Tonight I am planning to go for the clearing and meditation session with baby.  I don't mind missing.  Hopefully baby will behave.

And I hope Friday will be the day where everything falls into place.  And I really hope I can exclusively breastfeed her for at least 6 months, until she start solids.  If possible, 10 months.  At least.

I just want to say, being a mother is difficult.  Being a breastfeeding mother is even harder.  Being a full-time working and breastfeeding mother is the hardest.

Wondered why breastfeeding works in our grandmother's time?  It's because women don't work.  If they do, it's at the farm and it's flexible hours.

The supply in the fridge is only 2 days now.  But here's something to celebrate.

Remember I was using donor's milk?  Donor gave me so much frozen breast milk that lasted for a month.  Then was told by paed that donor's milk may not be suitable for baby.  Because our body will make milk according to baby's requirement.  Our body is amazing in that way.

Initially I noticed baby was fussy when drinking donor's milk.  I just left it as she doesn't like the taste because it is different from mine.  Donor's milk is also more oily.  You can see a layer of oil on top of the milk.  Mine has lots of fats and not oil.  In fact, I noticed my milk has a layer of thick fat.

This week onward, baby is entirely on my milk.  I am delighted but at the same time, I can see the stock in the fridge diminishing.  What I noticed was, baby drinks happily and not fussy.  The moment she is done, she doesn't cry compared to when she was drinking donor's milk.  She is satisfied after each bottle.  But she doesn't sleep very long.  She will sleep for only 2 hours and then time for her next feed.  It may be correct but she is drinking 3.5oz so should be 3.5 hours of sleep.

Anyway, I also noticed she is putting on weight now.  Chubbier cheeks.  I might be imagining it since we only started my milk this week.

So happy to see baby so happy with my milk.  That motivates me to continue.  But at the same time, running myself mad.

Can't wait for weekend to come so that we can spend some quality time together.