Sex life after birth

This is kinda a taboo subject for me but since I am anonymous here, I feel it's ok to talk about it.  My colleagues were teasing me as I told them I have not had sex since I got the BFP until now.  That's like more than a year.  They asked if my husband is ok about it and yes, he is.

You see, he is not the type who is crazy about sex.  When I was pregnant and my hormones were raging, I asked if he wants to do it but he refused as he was worried that we might hurt the baby in the womb.  

After birth, we had talked about starting it all over again.  But I have a phobia now since delivery.  So much so that I don't want anything or anyone touch me down there.  Even when the gynae did a pap smear, my legs were automatically shaking and I couldn't control them.

I am not sure if the whole birth thing kinda traumatized me.  The midwife did many cervical checks for dilation and that was one painful process where she stuck her fingers inside to see how much I have opened.  And because I have zero dilation the whole time, the pain was immense.  And she did like 5-6 times before I got the epidural.  And that pain is something I cannot forget.  Sometimes I feel it's even worse than the contractions pain.

And although I didn't feel the whole delivery process because of epidural, I kept on imagining things as the gynae did the cutting, sewing, etc.  And I did lost a lot of blood but not to the extend of blood transfusion.  All in all, I just feel I am not ready.

Besides, breastfeeding kinda kills the mood.  And I am meaning literally.  And down there is dry all the time.  There's no raging hormones.  I used to like foreplay on my boobs.  That turned me on all the time, the easiest way especially nipples.  But now, except for baby, no one else should have access to my boobs.  And the feeling is so different now.  I used to think boobs = sex.  Now boobs = food.  My perception changed and I don't know, the whole motherhood kinda changes me towards sex.  I used to be the one with high sex drive and my husband is the other way round.  Now I have become low sex drive to none.

I asked my husband if he is ok with that and yes, he is.  He wants me to be ready for it.  Though at times when he had wet dreams, I feel bad about it.

So, we don't see the big deal to start feeling sexy and getting into the mood.  On top of that, baby sleeps with me on the bed while husband on the floor.  So, it might be difficult as she is a light sleeper and wakes up when I am not beside her.

One day I asked my husband if he wants to sleep on the bed, all 3 of us together.  And he feels the bed is too small as it is only queen size.  Besides, I put my pump and parts on the side so that I can easily access them upon waking up for my 5.30am session.  Baby sleeps rotating from my left boob to right boob.  And she takes up most of the space.

My colleagues get worried if they don't start back sex life after birth.  Some worried that their husband may find someone else for pleasure.  Some feels horny pretty quick, especially those who didn't breastfeed and had c-section.

So, are we ready to have sex and restart our sex life?  Probably when she is 1 year old.  Since both of us are not so crazy about it, I guess we can just be as we are.  I trust my husband won't search for pleasure outside.

Who else became a nun like me after birth?

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